unexpected grace

Today, I took a long walk about town.  My town is very old and historic... I love it. There's always something new to explore or find in my wanderings.  I am never disappointed.

So this morning, I left the house and headed out in town in search of some quiet.  Our house is very FULL these days!  Except it was freezing!  Absolutely freezing.  My down vest and mittens were not enough... but I was determined to take this walk.  So I rushed down the street, through the many blocks until I reached our neighborhood coffee shop.  I charged in, ordered my coffee, and received it gratefully.  Coffee in hand, I was in a much better--and warmer--place.

I don't know what it was--quite possibly the coffee (or the warmth!)--but I found myself beginning to slow down... slowing my steps, my thoughts, and my soul.  And when that happens, something changes in me--my heart begins to "center", my soul settles.  Quite suddenly, the eyes and ears of my heart fly open... and it's almost as if Jesus appears right in front of me.  That happened this morning.  I heard a voice... not words, but a voice.  I'll try to put words to what He said.

You're hungry.  Walk down a few blocks.  Try out that new bakery.

I don't know, Lord.  That bakery is near the bad side of town.  I never walk there.

Give it a try.  Enjoy.  You won't be disappointed.

So I walked toward the bad side of town, entered the bakery, and emerged with the very last apple streudel that bakery had to offer.  The first apple streudel I've had since my last trip to Germany.  I was transported to another world-- "ich mochte ein apfel streudel bitte."  And while this apple streudel wasn't nearly as good as the real German variety, I took that streudel as a gift from a God who must love me very much.  But He wasn't done... He spoke again.

Leave the main road.  Try some side streets.  It'll be fun.

Yes, I love side streets!... but I'm in the bad part of town.  I sorta think I should stick to the main road.

(meanwhile, Rodney Atkins' "Take a Back Road" is playing in my head) =)

Go for it.  Enjoy.  You won't be disappointed.

So I took the side street.  And before my eyes emerged a great gray steeple... and then a beautiful old stone church-- the Methodist Episcopal Church from 1790.  So old!  Then... next to it was a little red building with a small sign-- "historic one room school house, built 1790."  Of course, it's not in use these days... preserved for posterity, I suppose.  But I love history.  And I love stumbling upon landmarks that I didn't know existed... especially in my own community.  And these two were beautiful.  I stopped and I stared... I was not disappointed.  But then came the Voice again.

Keep going.  There's more.

I'd love to see more, Lord, but I'm in the bad part of town.  And I'm by myself.

You have your coffee.  You'll be fine. (I think He smiled when He said that).  Keep going.  Enjoy.  You won't be disappointed.  

So I kept walking--in the "bad" part of town--and I passed two neighbors.  One a little old man, and the other, a young man.  The old man turned to me, smiled, and said, "You look cold, little lady.  Make sure you warm up soon."  I smiled and said, "I have my coffee.  I'm fine."  (Jesus said it first!). ;)  The young man passed me and with a big smile said, "Merry Christmas!"  (not Happy Holidays)  Unexpected grace and neighborly kindness in the "bad" part of town.  I was not disappointed.  Then, I met Stan and his daughter Carly and their two sheltie dogs, Shilo and Howie.  I even got to pet those big puffs of fur... I loved it.

I love it that we just never know when Jesus will show up in the normalcy of our lives.  I was rushing, cold, and determined to get a cup of coffee before I turned into the female version of Frosty the Snowman... but then Jesus showed up.  And the next thing I know, I have an apple streudel, old church and school house, and friendly new neighbors.  He is so unexpected in His grace sometimes... it's quite beautiful.  He's quite beautiful.  Writing about it draws me to love Him more.  I can't imagine how big His heart must be.

Enjoy... you won't be disappointed.  Thanks, Lord.

peace

My old green sweatpants, Phillies sweatshirt, hair in a pile on the top of my head, reading students' papers, and Handel's Messiah in the background...

and out of nowhere I hear it--
unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon His shoulders... 
and His name shall be call-ed... 
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Some music is so beautiful... so beautiful that I don't know what to do with it... except listen and take it in.  It leads me to imagine heaven and all of the angels and every living creature singing around and to and for Jesus.
This is one of those songs.

Praise Jesus.  Tonight, in my room, in my end-of-the-semester exhaustion, as I mark papers... this song speaks peace to me.  For us, Jesus came and is here now as God with us.  That changes everything.

This Christmas, may peace continue to filter through our craziness and touch our hearts.  May we see Him.

an adventure within an adventure

I absolutely love adventures.  Whether it involves hopping on a plane and traveling to a foreign country or curiously stumbling on a new place in my hometown, I am totally game.  I love adventures of any (and every!) kind.  I had the wonderful privilege of visiting my dear friend E for Thanksgiving... I spent about 4 days with her and so enjoyed that time with her and her family.

Well... E just happens to live in NH, about 4 hours away from where my parents live in ME.  So my parents and I concocted a grand plan that we would each drive 2 hours and meet for lunch in the middle of the great state of Maine.  I woke up early on Saturday morning (well, early for me, early for a holiday) and started out on my incredible journey.

It really was incredible.  It wasn't long before I found myself driving through the White Mountain National Forest in NH, completely surrounded by mountains-- driving in mountains, over mountains, around mountains, through mountains.  I would drive around one mountain and find another mountain in front of me, still to be driven over.  Some had snow, some did not.  Some had trees, some just rock.  So many mountains... I could have been in heaven.  I almost jumped out of the seat of my car when I passed a sign that said "Mt. Washington-- turn left."  Seriously??!!  Mount Washington--the highest mountain on the East?!  I almost followed that sign, but I had lunch and my mom and dad waiting for me.  But I looked around me and I'm pretty sure I spotted that grand mountain in the distance.

And then there were the small towns... all small but all so different.  Charming, simple, spread out, clustered... old shops, old cars, old gas pumps.  I could have stopped and explored every one of them.  But again, lunch was waiting for me... I kept driving.

About halfway there, I realized that I really needed my camera.  So I made a deal with myself that on my drive home, I would meander for as long as I wanted to, snap as many pictures as I wanted to, leave myself no time limits to see everything that I wanted to see.

So I did.  And it worked... until the sky turned pitch black and I could no longer see.  And mountainous, country roads are crazy in pitch black!  But anyway, it was fun.  I pulled the car off and snapped pictures for as long as I could.  I enjoyed documenting my journey...

so grateful to spend time with ma and pa (and Dooley) before hitting the road... 

my new moose hat to keep my head warm

huge icy, icy, FAST waterfall... in the middle of a town!

I think I have a fascination with old bridges.  I passed so many in the small towns and I could have stopped to take pictures of all of them.  But I only took a picture of this one... I'm pretty sure I drove over this one.

I asked Jesus to bring a moose across my path, but He did not... as far as I know.  I'm sure He had His reasons. =)  So I took a picture of this fake one.

I made friends with a giant lumberjack (there are many of them in Maine) =)

Ah, the Appalachian Trail.  I dream of one day doing the whole thing!  For now, I just enjoy the northern part.  

And Mt. Washington... just beautiful.

After that, it was dark.  But I still loved the adventure.  It's a great blessing be pulled out of your normal world for a bit of time and hit the road to experience what's new.  I open my eyes, take it all in, my spirit soars... I open my ears, listen for the still, small Voice... and yes, He tells me He's here too.  What a great adventure.

dancing in the driveway

Tonight... I danced in the driveway.  I had made vegetable soup for dinner and ran out in the crisp night air to drop the can in the recycle bucket at the end of the driveway.  Except I couldn't come back in the house... I just couldn't.  Maybe it was the combination of the crisp night air, the clear sky and almost full moon, and the stillness that just seemed to surround me... I don't know... but all I could do was dance--shoeless and in my pajamas--dance around the driveway, take in the beauty, and thank Jesus for meeting me in that moment.

In my dancing, I felt the wind blow.  A strong but gentle wind blew around me... swirling as I ran and danced around.  I remembered how Jesus likened the wind to the Spirit... how He blows and swirls around us and we don't know where He comes from or where He's going.  But we listen for Him and we follow.  So tonight, He blew... and His blowing was a blessed reminder to me that He's here, present, now.

How I just want to live my whole life dancing with Him... taking Him in... letting Him take me in... and moving through this life together.

I have the feeling that my heart is being set free just a bit more deeply in these moments.  The past few months have been full of many things, but mostly pressure... I have been oh so sensitively aware of my own performance, and lack of it.  My expectations have been high and response harsh when expectations are not met.  In these times, I suppose grace has been more of a concept than a present reality.  How I've missed it.

But then come the moments when I try to take a can to the recycle bucket... and I'm completely knocked off my feet by grace.  The sky, the air, the moon, the stars, and the wind... they all whisper to me of the gifts that are mine to enjoy.  And they whisper to me of a God who shattered all expectations when He died on a cross... and crushed all pressure when He burst up from a grave.

How I love that God.  How I long to see Him but how often I miss Him when the pressures and the expectations do crowd in.  So I continue to look to heaven, strain my eyes and my heart toward Him, and ask Him to continue to show up in the simple moments of life.  And He does in the craziest of ways-- seriously, Lord, in my fuzzy green socks with a can of vegetable soup in my hand?  In the driveway?  What will the neighbors think?  But still we dance... and when I come back into the house, I am not the same girl.  Thank the Lord, I meet Him and I come back different.

I continue to believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!  Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!   ~Ps 27:13-14

me and Andrew and Rich

Every once in a while I read Andrew Peterson's blog.  I don't have it saved as one of my "most visited" sites... so I guess I forget about it more than I remember it.  But ever since I deleted my facebook account, I've found myself spending more time on blogs.  So I deleted one website only to replace it with five others.  How ironic.  How incredibly funny.  I can't help but smile at myself.

So I visited Andrew's blog tonight... and I just happened to come upon one of his latest posts in which he wrote about Rich Mullins.  One of my favorite musicians wrote about one of his favorite musicians, who happens to be one of my other favorite musicians!  It was great.  It was beautiful.  He wrote about driving through the Tetons, listening to Rich, letting the music touch his soul, and remembering and worshiping the God that Rich knew... knows very well now.

My soul swelled... quite hugely.  In my heart, I joined Andrew and Rich in the Tetons, and the three of us sat there in the peaks and worshiped God together.  And they told me about the Jesus they know and I cried and I sat there with them and I said amen.  And we ran through the Tetons... them with their guitars and me running along behind them (because I don't have a guitar).  And we encountered Jesus there... and I came back a different person.

I know this really all happened only in my mind's eye.  I've never been to the Tetons and I've never met Andrew... and Rich, well, I'll have to wait til heaven for that.  But when Andrew writes about Jesus and Rich sings about Jesus, it's like I really do know them.  It's like I'm there in the Tetons with them.  I just get them.  I long for Jesus in the same way they do.  I echo their willingness to trust in a God who beats you up and then picks you up and puts you on his bike and pedals you home (check out Andrew's blog for that one).  But seriously, I willingly enter with them into the mystery of a God that you don't understand but somehow, you can't help but love.  And I love Him.  I really do.  Did you hear that, Jesus?  Sometimes I don't act like I love you, but I really do.

And one day, I'll go to glory and I'll sit in a circle with Andrew, Rich, and Jesus... and we'll sing.  Maybe in heaven, my voice will actually be good.  Anyway, it will just be really cool. I don't know what else to say about that one.  I just can't wait.

So I hope Andrew keeps writing.  I'll have to check out his blog more often... make it one of my "most visited" sites.  And I'll have to keep writing in my blog at 2am.  That's when my best stuff comes out... I have no idea why.  I was always meant to be a night owl, I suppose.  Well, when I do become a counselor, I'll re-arrange my schedule so that I can blog at 2am whenever I want to.  But for now...

...good night. =)

keep your socks up, Chooch!

i think he's something like 8 for 8 with his socks up... we'll take it!!

meaning of a name

...you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will give. (Isaiah 62:2)

one of my favorite things about the Lord is the way that He re-names and re-makes us. yesterday, i was in a class on multiculturalism in counseling.  we were talking about names and histories and where we come from and we all shared a little bit about ourselves.  i was reminded of my new name, and now, 24 hours later, i'm still stuck in wonder at the whole thing.

my given name-- Bethany Joy-- has kind of a funny story behind it.  if you look up the Greek meaning of Bethany, mostly you'll find statements like 'house of poverty' or 'house of figs.'  not the most inspiring of meanings!  sort of depressing actually.  i think my parents knew the meaning of my name and wanted to balance the 'poverty' with something a little more positive... so 'joy' is my middle name.  at least this is the thought process they have explained to me!

but i believe that names do mean something... should mean something.  so i felt kind of stuck and sad when i realized that poverty and figs were really all that i could boast of.  it just didn't sound too special... and i so wanted it to be special.  it's good that 'joy' was a part of the equation too... or i might have despaired!

but i'll never forget the day about 5 years ago when Jesus changed my name.  i remember that it was a period of my life when Jesus was working in me like crazy... old beliefs about Him and myself were just falling apart left and right, being replaced by a powerful, fresh, new understanding and who He really is and who i am in Him.  it was a wonderful, wonderful time... probably one of the most shaping times of my entire life.

my best friend was pregnant with her first son, and i still remember one day when we were at work.  she wanted to look up baby name websites to find meanings of names for her son.  so we did... we looked up a ton of names... and then, for fun, we looked up the meaning of her name and her husband's, etc.  and then she wanted to look up my name.  i said 'no'... i already know it means poverty and figs.  not fun... i didn't want to be reminded again.  but she insisted.  so we typed 'bethany' and then... Jesus took over.  on the screen, my name appeared with a Greek meaning beside it... one that i had never seen before.

house of... life.  yes.  life.


for someone who had lived for so many years afraid of life, it was an incredibly profound and incredibly meaningful moment.  i have no doubt in my mind that on that day, Jesus re-named me.  'you're meant for life, daughter.  you're meant for joy.  don't ever forget.'  the poverty and figs were long gone.  life took over... joy took over.  i was a new girl.

but unfortunately, i think i did forget.  life isn't always easy... sometimes, circumstances sort of beat you up.  and even though you try for the life of you to hold on to everything that you know to be true, life can just feel pretty confusing sometimes.  i went through a few times like that... and in my confusion, i struggled to remember my name.  who did Jesus say i am again?  sometimes, it seemed too distant too remember.

then, this summer, He re-named me again.  a dear professor and friend traveled to Germany this summer where i was working and we got to spend a lot of time talking about the Lord.  it was an incredible blessing to me.  being a Greek scholar, he can easily trace many words back to their meaning.  and one day we started talking about my name.  and he said, 'oh bethany, your name has a really cool meaning.'  'it does??'  'oh yes, it does.'  according to him, 'beth' means 'house'... which i already knew.  but it's the second half that got me.  i learned that 'any' is actually a Greek preposition that means 'my.'  so according to my Greek friend, bethany means 'my house.'

'my' house.  His.

oh my word.  again, complete re-naming!  'daughter, in case you forgot who you are, you're mine.  i live in you... and i really like it there.  you live in me too.  you belong to me and i belong to you.'  what this means to me is that i have a place of belonging... a Someone who steps strongly into my life, picks me up, claims me and says 'you're mine.'  i have a Someone.  i'm His.  i don't mean that to sound corny... because believe me... to me, it was revolutionary.

i'm incredibly, incredibly grateful that over the past 5 years, i have moved from poverty and figs... to life to joy to being His. on this side of seeing Him face to face, i can bet i will again go through times of forgetting--'who am i again?  i can't remember!'  but i long with every part of my heart to stick close to my Creator, Savior, Redeemer... to incline my ear to hear His voice... to continue being marked and changed and re-named by what He says.


what does your name mean to you?  i'd love to know...  please feel free to comment about it here. =)

here's to life...

I think I've been sort of living on the serious side lately.  When I turn to my blog and write new posts, they end up sounding pretty serious so I haven't post many of them!  I really love writing about the things that I enjoy--upcoming camping trips to the woods, a Phillies team that is taking over way more of my life than I ever thought possible (and now bringing me a ton of anxiety!), the new puppy that I want to buy, my ever- increasing love for country music, the list of 'weekend trips' that I am forming and my plan to attack one new place each weekend (forget school work!!), my excitement about spending time with people in my life, forming new relationships and deepening old relationships.

Shoot, I LOVE those things!  I start talking about them... and I can hardly stop talking about them!  They make the fun and adventure in me to spring alive... I fill with excitement at all of the endless opportunities in front of me.  But the 'seriousness' in me has felt sort of big lately too.  So much has come in just the past couple of months--I turned 30, my best friend moved to another state, I fought bare-handedly with the issue of forgiveness, I wrestled with the meaning of community in my life, I put on my big girl shoes and began co-leading a counseling class, I now mark papers and find myself a student and an instructor at the same time... very cool but very weird.

A million transitions.  A million emotions.  A million tiny movements in my heart.  A million questions.  A million prayers to Jesus to minister to me in my sadness, take away my fears, deepen my relationships with Him and others, and continue to enlarge my desire to engage my world and the people around me with joy.

And it's happening.  It really is.  There are certainly moments when I forget about the Phillies, country music, and my love for people and traveling... because the 'bigness' or what's ahead of me takes over and feels TOO big.  But then there's other moments when an incredible light pierces the darkness and I can hear the Holy Spirit's whispers... that I'm fine, that my transitions are normal, that I will continue to be surprised by supernatural strength and empowering in each moment.  And then I breathe a sigh of relief and get really excited and thankful that the transitions are taking me to good places that I probably can't even fathom!

So here's to life!  The fun, the adventure, the relationships, and the seriousness.  Here's to taking each moment one at a time, living it deeply, meeting people in it, letting them impact me, and trusting Jesus to speak to me and walk with me.  Here's to letting go just a little bit more and letting the road rise up to meet me, the sun shine warmly on my face, the rain fall softly on my fields (even though I don't have fields!), and letting God hold me safely in His hands (an Irish blessing I've always loved.) I really like that place the most.

Him

Revelation is totally striking me again...



I want to know Him so much here... that when I actually get to see Him with my own eyes, I will already know Him.  No introductions needed... just the great big Jesus-bear hug that I've been dreaming of for a really long time.

home

I've been reading the book of Revelation this summer... it's been slow-coming and I've sort of approached it with more incredulity than enthusiasm.  But I'm now approaching the end of the book, and I confess that I don't know much more than I did before I began. It's incredibly complex... but incredibly beautiful.  Today, I was reading about the "holy city," the "New Jerusalem" and I find myself absolutely transfixed...

...God will live with me, right in my neighborhood

...I will not cry or be sad or disappointed because God Himself will come to me and brush tears away from my eyes with His own fingers

...the old system of things will fade away and all things will be new!

...the pure radiance and beauty of Jesus will be seen and light up the entire city

....the walls will be constructed of ALL of the most beautiful, breathtaking colors that I could ever know

...I will not feel the need to go to church to meet Jesus or Starbucks to get away for quiet time... because God Himself will be right there with me always.
(Rev. 21)

The New Jerusalem speaks to all of the longings of my soul...  

A home that is mine where I never feel alone.  

A freedom to live and love without fear of being hurt.  

A fellowship that is forever with no need to say good-bye.  

A beauty that is always a part of the world and does not need to be sought to be found.
A God who walks with me and sits with me and speaks to me and grabs me and holds me in His arms and uses His own finger to wipe away my tears.  

It sounds too beautiful to be real... but that must be the beauty of eternity.  One day, it will be real... and it will be ours.  And we'll see and feel and experience everything that we ever longed for in all of its fullness.  I can't imagine it.  I so long for it.

This offers me such hope when I face suffering and disappointment in the present world... 

our outer nature is wasting away but our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.

... so we do not lose heart. (2 Cor. 4)

Amen.  Come, Lord Jesus.

once-in-a-lifetime friend

To a million heart-to-hearts, a trillion cups of coffee, and the greatest friend a girl could ever have...

"May the LORD bless you and keep you;

the LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;

the LORD lift up His countenance upon you

and give you peace."

I'm deeply, deeply grateful for what's been and I look forward with excitement to what's to come.  With Jesus at the lead, I can't begin to imagine what the future will look like... I just know that you'll be in it!

Godspeed.  Go with Him... 

a tribute to coffee and the phils

Have you ever thought about how certain aspects of your life can become a bit more obvious when other people are experiencing them with you?  It can be a really funny (and enlightening!) experience.

A dear friend came to visit me a couple of weeks ago from England.  She told me from the beginning that one of the things she wanted to do while here was just to "live my life with me."  While we did some great sight-seeing and went to some special events, much of her time here was just spent with me, joining me in my "normal" life.  We had a great time, and I learned some valuable things about myself through her visit...

1. I am much more of a Phillies fan than I ever knew.  Debbie visited me for 4 whole days, and in that span, I realized that I wore 3 different Phillies shirts.  We listened to portions of games on the radio in the car... we watched innings on tv before we watched the movies that we meant to be watching.  In my excitement, I told her all about my favorite players and explained more about the rules of the game than I think she ever asked to know!  Also, every day I couldn't really begin my day until I visited "phillies.com" and caught myself up on all of the latest Phillies news.  I never knew that I could be such a fan.  But I am... I love those Phillies... and I secretly hoped that Debbie would come out of the experience a Phillies fan as well.  So I need to ask... did it work, Debbie? ;)

2. I also learned--and this was not such a huge surprise!--that I really, really love coffee.  Debbie and I gave up counting how many times we pulled my car into Dunkin Donuts during her short visit.  It became a well-accepted joke between us that Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks were becoming our homes away from home.  We went to Starbucks whenever we could... and we went to Dunkin Donuts whenever we couldn't find Starbucks.  We sort of structured our whole New York City trip around Starbucks.  We made sure that we went to Dunkin Donuts every day before work.  I so enjoyed having a friend who loved the coffee trips as much as I did (you did... right, Debbie? ;). 

And then... I discovered that my behaviors continued into last week when I flew up to Maine to visit my parents.

1. I walked out of the plane into the Bangor airport wearing my "my heart belongs to the Phillies" shirt and was met by cheers of "go Phillies"!  I smiled and cheered right along with them.  I paid money to be able to watch the games on my parents' computer in Maine, and I stayed up late to watch those games since the Phils were playing in Los Angeles.  I continued my practice of reading the Phillies news every morning, and I would then give my dad a full report on the best pitchers and hitters, who was playing well and who wasn't, etc.  I'm not sure if he enjoyed my daily reports as much as I did... but for me, it was fun!

2. On Sunday afternoon after church, I had such a craving for an iced coffee that I willingly (and happily!) drove one hour each way to the nearest Dunkin Donuts to my parents' house in Maine.  Only the dog would join me in the car... I think my parents thought I was crazy.  But nevertheless, I returned quite satisfied.

So... I'm learning about myself that I enjoy coffee and the Phillies much more than I ever knew.  I remember the words of James, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights." It is good for life to be filled with good things, and I gobble up these gifts with gratitude. =)

And I think that when I get to heaven, Jesus will be waiting for me with a big cup of coffee, a Phils cap, and a smile.

maybe someday...

...i will become a monk.  i know it is impossible, but please go with me for a moment here.  i'm finding myself drawn to monasteries lately.  monasteries!  who knew?  i've written about my recent adventures of searching for Henri Nouwen and his temporary monastery-home in Freiburg, Germany.  i met friars, visited chapels and confession booths, and wandered through gardens.

and today, i'm thinking about Mafra, the palace/monastery (Franciscan, i might add!) right outside of Lisbon in Portugal.  my dear friend Deb and i got to visit it last summer.  it's beautiful, breathtaking.  one of my favorite cousins is going to Mafra this fall with her new husband... it's been on my mind after talking about it with her.  i just read that Mafra, in the 18th century, was vying for the title "largest building in Europe."  it's a really, really cool place.

so today, in my heart, i am a monk and i live in Freiburg... or Mafra.  for just a few moments, i can put on my (imaginary) ceremonial robes and solemnly walk around my (imaginary) monastery and focus, center my soul.  this is why a part of my heart is drawn to the whole mystic/living in a cave thing.  i'm too much of a people-person to consider living in a monastery or cave for very long, but i do love the idea of being in a place where it's easy to be still and hear the voice of Jesus.  i know He speaks, and i long to hear Him.

tomorrow, i'm headed to Maine for a week.  not Freiburg... not Mafra.  i don't think i'll see any monks there, and i'm quite sure i won't come back one!  but it's beautiful... it's quiet... my mom and dad are there... and Jesus speaks.  i'm looking forward to spending some time with Him.

finding Henri (sort of...!)

i am now safely home... thank you, Jesus.  i guess i haven't even been home for 24 hours yet... but it feels like a looong time.  jetlag has a way of just making you feel really weird and throwing off any sense of normal time.  so in my confusion about what time it is, what day it is, what country i'm in, etc, i want to write about a little adventure that i had--and thoroughly enjoyed!--during my last weekend in Germany.

i already wrote about how freiburg, germany is becoming a very special place to me because of my recently-found connection with henri nouwen.  i absolutely love his book 'life of the beloved' and learned not too long ago that he wrote the book while living in freiburg.  so... i have returned to freiburg a couple of times just to swallow up all of the nostalgia i can... and to search for any traces of henri that might still be there!

this past weekend... well, it was pretty incredible.  my two companions (c and p) and i spent a lazy saturday afternoon in freiburg... wandering around, meandering through the streets, and eating bratwurst!  i explained to them about my recent love for henri, told them that he wrote his book while living in the franciscan community of freiburg, and wondered aloud if it might be possible for us to find that franciscan community.

as we were meandering, we looked up to see a man in a very white robe walking down the street.  c promptly identified him as a monk and suggested that we should follow him and ask about the franciscan community... so we did.  except he was walking very fast... so we had to chase him down the street!  we must have been a funny sight-- 3 women running after a monk!  we finally caught him and learned that he was a monk from the dominican order, not the franciscan order... but he knew about the franciscan community and kindly gave us directions to find it.

we hopped on a tram (and first went the wrong direction through the city!) and then followed
the directions he gave us.  after asking several people along the way, we finally stumbled upon the franciscan monastery... the very place we had been searching for!

in excitement, we ran up to the front door, but then we sort of hesitated... we were definitely 3 women approaching a monastery... full of males!  do women even visit monasteries?  we had no idea!  what would they say?  so we rang the doorbell... and we waited... and finally, a Polish friar came to the door and spoke a little bit of English.  i showed him my book and told him about henri nouwen and why we were there... he assured us this was definitely the place where henri would have stayed and written the book.  

we were still standing outside when c bravely spoke up and asked if we could have a tour of the monastery.  the friar said yes! and he walked us through the building, showing us the chapel, library, dining hall, and gardens.  we then met another monk in the gardens who spoke even more English and explained more to us about the monastery.  there we were in the garden-- 3 girls, 1 friar, and 1 monk! =)

we thanked our new friends and then walked a block or two down the street to visit the cathedral which we had been told was henri's "church" while he lived in freiburg.  we snuck in the back door while evening mass was going on, sat in on a bit of the service, and snuck a few photos.

it was an adventure that i will never forget.  i guess you really can't find a dead guy... but we came pretty close!  and we now we have an open invitation to visit the franciscan monastery in freiburg whenever we want. =)

last day

i planned to go to church today... my last full day in Germany.  but i didn't quite make it.  instead, i ended up at the bakery with a coffee and a pastry, and here i sit on my balcony with that coffee, pastry, and my good old OJ.  as i sit here, a complete rush of thoughts and emotions come to the surface and begin to flood me.  i try to process them one by one, but finally, i just tell the Lord, "oh Jesus, there's so much.  i can't begin to process.  will You help me?"

my weeks here have been wonderful, full, deep... all of the things that make life wonderful and precious.  there have been so many moments that i will hold close to my heart for a long time... i'm so grateful for them.  but the weeks have also been incredibly busy.  i've struggled with embracing one of the parts of me that i enjoy most-- the part that just wants to sit, soak, ponder, and talk with the Lord.  there just hasn't been time or space for too much of that.  so i sit on my balcony and i start to talk to Jesus and tears come to my eyes.  i tell Him about my gratitude for the blessings which have come to me in magnitude, but i also tell Him about my sadness and disappointment that i didn't take more time to deepen and soak in more of my relationship with Him.

but then... just as the tears and the apology come to the surface, something really amazing happens.  i get the image of a Father coming to His little daughter and picking her up, kissing her forehead, and holding her tight.  and i remember those words that Jesus said to my friend Brennan, "don't apologize... come on out and play."  i sit here and i can't get past the fact that the Father is my Father and the daughter is me.

and i just want to say that this is what makes our God so different and so wonderful.  when we think the pressure is on us, He lifts our head and shows us that the pressure is gone.  when we get stuck in the cramped style of legalism and performance, He washes us with the truths of forgiveness and grace.  He enables us to share those truths with others.  He shows me that i'm His... and that that truth is a permanent one.  i'm filled with gratitude.

favorites

walking out on my balcony and receiving warm and friendly greetings from the sheep who live in the pasture next door

driving through one hill of Black Forest after another... and finding that the hills of the Black Forest really do never end

driving kilometer after kilometer on autobahn A2 and rounding that last bend to see the snow-capped Alps in the distance

standing in those snow-capped mountains and feeling a stillness and grandeur so powerful that my fast-paced heart really does begin to find its stillness

enjoying a seeming never-ending supply of goat cheese

wandering through Freiburg and hearing the faint sound of Pachelbel's Canon in the distance... following the sound and finding a brass quartet on a street corner... standing there and savoring the music... purchasing their CD... taking a piece of Freiburg home with me =)

being completely stopped in my tracks when I walk out on my balcony at dusk to find that the sky has turned a complete other-worldly shade of pink

getting more excited than I ever thought possible at the sight of a McDonalds... or a Starbucks!

...eating 2 times in 2 days at that same McDonalds... when do I ever do that at home??

standing on a hill and looking around me in every direction... and finding only vineyards as far as my eye can see

taking care of someone's plants, learning how to be a real gardener, and stopping for a few moments to actually listen to the plants as they drink in the water!

learning the hard way that the Black Forest trees really aren't such bad "facilities" after all (when they have to be!) =)

discussing the limitless possibilities of "Mr. South" ; )

opening the pages of a Henri Nouwen book and finding that somehow, he put into words all that's been residing in my heart for the past few weeks

finding, when you feel completely undeserving, that the still, small Voice really does whisper all around you, "you are my beloved... well done, child"

seeing with my own eyes that simple love really makes more of a difference than I could ever imagine

feeling the hankering for a salad... stepping out on the balcony for a visit to my borrowed lettuce plant... and returning with the makings of a great green salad!

hearing my phone ring... and answering the phone to find the voice of my mom on the other end of the line

feeling homesick, missing home... at the EXACT same time as when my best friend hops on Facebook and says "let's talk"

experiencing deep gratitude for the presence of latte macchiatos, eis kaffee, and Nescafe frappe mix... when there isn't a Starbucks in sight!

FLYING through the Alps at almost mach speed on a really fun scooter!

visiting old friends... and receiving the privilege of holding and cuddling their newborn daughter

receiving kindness, warmth, and friendship at just the right time and in unexpected places

hopping on bikes with a friend and soaring through the greenest fields I have ever seen

eating dinner at a cafe next to the Rhein River in Switzerland and thinking to myself, "is this for real??"

looking up into the night sky and seeing the same familiar site of the Big Dipper and Orion's Belt

finding that the familiar-ness of your iPod can be the most comforting thing in homesickness

realizing that in exactly one week's time... I will be HOME!!

a violin maker and a miniature horse

Sometimes, it's the little things that make life special... the little things that open up heaven for just a moment and give you a glimpse of God's smile.  Yesterday marked the 2 week point for me... in 2 weeks, I will be on a plane headed home.  It's hard for me to believe.  Time is flying by... the busier the days, the faster time flies.  I have a hard time keeping up... so I very much enjoy when the little things stop me in my tracks and help me to see.

I went to visit some friends for dinner last night.  On the way to his house, my friend wanted to pull off for an "errand."  I pulled the car over, followed him across the street and through a door, and found myself in a small shop belonging to a real violin maker!  It was incredible.  I was surrounded by beautiful polished, completed violins, along with many assorted pieces of violins still to be put together.  I just stood there, trying to take it all in.  My friend introduced me to all of the workers in the violin shop, and in halting English, they told me their stories about how they first became violin makers.  It was amazing... beautiful.  I left the violin shop, still trying to take it all in... only in Europe would I be driving through a little German village with a friend and land myself in a violin maker's shop.  I feel like I am in another world... and I love it.














After a wonderful time of visiting my friends, I let my GPS guide me back to the village where I am staying.  It avoided the main roads completely and had me driving through all kinds of winding roads through all kinds of farms... and vineyards!  At one point in the trip, I looked around me and all I could see were vineyards... every hill around me was covered in them.  It was beautiful... I love vineyards, especially German ones.  (Germans are so meticulous... everything is always lined up perfectly.  Makes the vineyards seem even more beautiful!)

















The road wound me past a pasture full of horses, and as I rounded a bend, I looked up and saw a miniature horse standing on the side of the road, completely outside the fence and the pasture.  All of the other horses were in the fence, but he wasn't.  There's a special place in my heart for animals and I haven't seen too many miniature horses in my life... so I just really enjoyed that one.  It was almost as if he was standing outside of the gate just so that I could drive by and see him.  I loved it.

















So... I went to have dinner with friends, and in the process, I met violin makers, drove through all kinds of vineyards, and almost ran into a miniature horse.  I love moments like that which take me completely by surprise.  Thanks, Lord, for beauty in the busyness.

this is my story, this is my song

One of the things that Jesus laid on my heart as I was preparing for this trip was that I need to take some time to write my story... write it all out, get it all on paper.  Why?... I'm not really sure.  I just know that I think I heard His whisper and I think that's what He said... and I think I'd like to do it.  I haven't started yet, but I hope I will... soon.

This afternoon, I was sitting out on my balcony... clear blue sky, sun shining, light breeze, the hills standing out there as clear and strong as ever... pretty much a perfect day.  And I stumbled on these verses almost by accident.

"Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms,
        but they did not know that I had healed them.
  I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love,
  and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws,
        and I bent down to them and fed them."
                        ~Hosea 11:3-4


I almost shouted out loud-- that's it!  that's my story!!  that's what Jesus did for me!  So I think I'll start right there...

my German neighbors

To celebrate the completion of the final day of the second week of class, our group got together tonight for a meal of Turkish kabaps and a movie.  I left the movie early and returned home to find Konrad, my downstairs German neighbor, outside tending his gardens.  Konrad is an avid gardener and every beautiful flower on the property is completely his doing.  I enjoy his handiwork every day, and I take every opportunity I can to tell him so.  As I was walking up the path tonight to return home, he gestured to me and turned to say something to his wife Helga... he then motioned that I should join them in their yard.  As I did so, he pointed to his barbeque and asked if I would like to join he and Helga for dinner.  I had already eaten one dinner, but I could not and would not turn down this invitation!

So tonight I sat at Konrad and Helga's front porch picnic table and enjoyed a second dinner of bratwurst, tomatoes, and wine (they pronounce it "veen"... always cracks me up!).  It was both a precious and hilarious experience... as I sat there contemplating how I could force 7 sausages into my already full stomach (yes, they gave me 7 sausages!), and how I would manage to drink the glasses of red wine that they kept refilling for me!  Oh my, I can't usually drink more than 1 glass of wine in a sitting... but what can you do when you don't even know how to politely refuse in a language you don't understand?  It was hilarious.  Helga could tell that I enjoyed her tomatoes and kept telling me to eat alles... all of them--the whole plate!  I puffed out my cheeks, gestured that I was stuffed, and said danke schoen ("thank you").  They then invited me into their home and showed me all of their photos from their trips this past year to Italy and Switzerland.

It was beautiful.  I don't understand much German at all.  They know a bit more English than my German... but our conversation was still choppy at best.  But we're still God's creation, made in His image... and somehow as different as we are, we still get and enjoy each other.  I found myself sitting in Konrad and Helga's apartment, speaking in halting sentences, looking at all of their photos, and thanking Jesus for the opportunity to share this time with them.

I love my home and I love my friends and family... they are the nearest and dearest to my heart.  But tonight I have been struck by the fellowship available with people who don't know your language, your history, your heritage, your culture, or anything about your life.  They are just simple, hospitable, kind people who offer for me to share in their dinner of bratwurst, tomatoes, and veen... but yet I enjoy it and enjoy them so much.  The image of God is a beautiful thing.  It was one of those moments in which I wish I had my camera to capture it forever.

a day with Henri

Today is my day off... and it is wonderful.  I love days off.  It is now 11:15am... and I have already done two great things so far-- I have slept in (yes!!) and I have made myself a real omelet with eggs right from a German hen, tomatoes straight from the garden, and real Swiss cheese.  It was great.

But my best plan for the day is still to come.  I went through a hard time this past year and was surprised to find an old friend join me on my journey.  For Christmas, I was given a book called The Inner Voice of Love, by Henri Nouwen.  I immediately started reading the book and was astounded by the way that he seemed to understand my story, share my sadness, and offer me beautiful hope.  I have clung to that book for many months... and I have been thankful for the author of it.

Well, during last weekend in the Alps, I picked up another Henri book and began reading the first few pages of Life of the Beloved.  I was amazed to find that during the writing of that book, Henri lived in a small city in Germany called Freiburg... and guess what?  It just so happens that the closest city to where I currently live is... FREIBURG!!  So today, in this great day off, I am going to drive to Freiburg and spend the day with Henri.  I know he is now dead, but I'm going to imagine that he isn't.  I'm going to picture him walking those old streets and imagine what life might have been like for him during the writing of that book.  And I might even find myself a cozy corner in one of the 3 Starbucks in that city and read more of his book.

I really believe that Henri Nouwen walked with God... God knows that I want to walk with Him too... maybe if I go to the city where Henri Nouwen actually walked... well, it might be pretty amazing.  Who knows how God might just show up?

OK, I have some dishes to wash and clothes to put away... but then it's off to Freiburg for me!

begin with a Berliner

My last few days here have been flying by.  I guess days--especially busy ones--have a tendency to do that.  But in the busyness, I don't want to miss the little things... the things I love.  After talking with a dear friend tonight, I decided to start writing about those things... the goofy, special, fun, or whatever things... just the THINGS about being in another country that I especially enjoy.

So... here's # 1.  Tomorrow is my long day.  I take one day each week and work ALL day... and tomorrow is it!  But I have decided that I want to begin the day right with a cultural experience that I really love.  There is no Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks or Wawas here.  Nope... instead, there is a grocery store with a bakery right inside the door.  And they make the most amazing coffee su mit namen ("to take away").  I love it!  So tomorrow, to begin my long day, I am going to walk to the bakery and say "ein latte macchiato su mit namen bitte" ("one latte to take away please").  This bakery also makes the most amazing jelly donuts I have ever tasted-- called "Berliners."  I think I will order "ein Berliner bitte" as well.  I could be economical and eat my trusty bowl of Special K (I did find Special K here!!), but tomorrow is my long day... I think it's a good day for a Berliner. =)

Berliners taste so good that I could eat one every day if I let myself!  But I don't. =)  The last time I ordered one was on Saturday morning...  Myself and my two companions piled into the car to make our 2 hour drive to the Alps.  About 1 kilometer down the road, I bit into my Berliner (while driving), and the jelly shot out of the Berliner and into my hand.  And then somehow in trying to clean it up, I got it on my other hand too!  I learned that it's very difficult to drive a car with two hands covered in jelly.  So we weren't even out of town yet when I had to pull over and clean myself up... get myself un-sticky.  It's a funny memory. =)

So tomorrow to begin my long day, I will go to the bakery and get a latte and a Berliner... and I will be sure to have napkins nearby for when I take my first bite. =)

a twitching eye and a puffy eye

i'll be leaving on wednesday to go overseas for a little more than five weeks.  i prayed about a month ago that God would wave His big "peace be still" hands over my life for the next month... and let the planning for this trip be SMOOTH.  the past semester had been a hard and BUSY one, and i just felt too exhausted to handle anything beyond "smooth."

well, it didn't exactly happen!  there have been quite a few unexpected "bumps" during the past month...  i've done my best to navigate as best i can, but it hasn't been easy.  God, though, is funny.  at just the right time, when i'm ready to rip my own hair out (or someone else's!), He shows up in some way... and i'm reminded that i'll be fine.

today, though, i had enough!  i woke up from a nap this afternoon and i looked in the mirror... and i could tell that all was not well.  my left eye has already been twitching on and off for about a week... i think, because i just took a full 30 hour class in 3 days, on top of trying to get ready for a big trip!  (enough to make any eye twitch, maybe?!).  well, i woke up from my nap to find that not only was my left eye twitching, but my right eye was half-closed... very puffy and half-closed (i think in an allergic reaction to my friend's cat)!

i found myself haunted by images of myself on an airplane with big, puffy eyes... walking around overseas with big, puffy, twitching eyes!  i could feel panic rising... so i sat there and i looked up to heaven with my left twitching eye and my right puffy eye, and i talked to Jesus.  and i gave up... and i told Him that i would trust Him.  and i remind myself tonight that all is well because i have a really good God and a really good Father.  i continue to learn through unexpected ways that He really is entirely faithful.  so tonight i give Him my eyes... and i give Him my heart... and i give Him the next 5 weeks... i give Him all of it... because i know that He is worthy of my trust.

and He tells me now that it's time to put on a good movie and go to bed and give my twitching eye and my puffy eye a rest.  and i gratefully oblige. =)

voices of truth

I had the blessing of spending this weekend in the woods with some friends.  My very favorite part of the weekend was all of the time that we spent around the fire.  Our campsite was on a lake... so between the reflection on the lake, the starry sky, and the warmth of the campfire, I started imaging heaven.  Friends, laughter, fellowship, quiet, beauty... I just loved it.

Before we departed on Sunday morning, we spent some time passing the Bible around the fire, each sharing from our favorite Psalms.  It was beautiful... and so meaningful.  I loved how the Psalms that spoke to THEM, also spoke to ME.  It was like Jesus saying, "Daughter, you need to hear this.  Take it in.  Listen.  Be encouraged by your friends and by Me."  And so I was...

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.  I will ponder all Your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.  Your way, O God, is holy.  What god is great like our God?  You are the God who works wonders; You have made known your might among the peoples.  You with Your arm redeemed Your people."
~Psalm 77

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.  Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!  Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!  The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.  The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
~Psalm 34

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters.  He restores my soul.  I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
~Psalm 23

"He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler.  Because you have made the LORD your dwelling place--the Most High, who is my refuge--no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.  'Because he holds fast to Me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows My name.  When he calls to Me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.'"
~Psalm 91

Sometimes the Word of God just speaks and there is no mistaking it.  And as I was turning the pages of my Bible just now to find and type these Psalms, I could still smell the campfire in the pages.  I love it. =)

may i never forget the gospel...

"The crucified Christ is not merely a heroic example to the church: he is the power and wisdom of God, a living force in his present risenness, transforming our lives and enabling us to extend the hand of reconciliation to our enemies."
~Brennan Manning

the color green (the real one)

for you, elisabeth... =) 

beautiful.  one day we'll sing this song in heaven with rich... and we'll dance to the Irish parts. =)

the color GREEN...

i am taken with green these days.  i haven't been able to walk by a window this week without stopping and staring and just TAKING IN all of the GREEN.  i love it.  everything had been so brown and white for so long... and while those are fine colors too... shoot, i just really missed GREEN.  and now, here it is-- everywhere.  and i just love it.

in all of my walking really slowly and staring out of windows today, i have found a question surfacing in my mind-- God created seasons... and seasons have so many different colors.  just when you think you've had enough of the brown and white of winter, comes the shining GREEN of spring.  and when you start to get itchy from the long, hot days of summer, then comes the brilliant colors and crisp weather of the fall.  and then when you find yourself ready to buckle down and hibernate for a while, well that's when the brown branches and white snow come again.  it's all so interesting.  so i found myself wondering... what does this creation say about the Creator who made it? i'm pondering this question...

the first thing that comes to mind is that He must be so creative, so diverse.  he could have just made winter, or just made fall... but He didn't.  He made 4 seasons-- all so vastly different-- and they all come with such regularity.  He's creative... He's fun... He's dependable... but He loves diversity.

second, He knows people.  oh my word, how much do our lives resemble the seasons.  winter can feel long... we burrow and hibernate and feel as "dead" as the brown branches on the trees sometimes... but then somehow, we're renewed, reborn.  and everything becomes green, flowering, alive.  our souls feel set free in new ways, and our growth is visible.  and then like summer, we enjoy, we relax, we rest... we take in the long, steady days and our soul begins to "center."  but then, like the fall, we go even deeper, become even more brilliant, as the green chlorophyll of the leaves of our lives begins to fade and the brilliance of the bright orange, red, yellow that is really within just explodes inside.  our brilliance is visible, alive.... it just shines in a way that no one can miss.

what an amazing Creator... seriously, wow!

and He's so kind.  He knows that we can be impatient creatures and that we need change.  and when we feel like we cannot handle another snowstorm, He sends the sun and the flowers.  and when we're through with the rain, He sends the heat of summer.  and when we've had enough heat, He sends the crisp breezes of fall... and when we want to burrow in a bit, it's time for winter.  he's good, He's kind... and i want to trust Him in every season... because He knows what He's doing.  and even when one season feels long, there is always another one coming... and then another.  it's a beautiful world that He made.

a great big rest

i feel like my speed of life lately has pretty much been "mach."  i've been realizing lately that the concepts of "rest" and "stillness" only seem faintly familiar to me... i can't really remember what they feel like!  it is time for me to rest... really... a big, deep, soulful rest.  only i can't yet.  i have to finish my paper.  but it is due monday-- 4 days away from today.  4 days until i can rest... how wonderful.

i have made a resolution with myself.  it is spring... and spring is beautiful... and i just want to drink it in.  REALLY drink it in.  and rest for me is being able to live life at a slow enough pace that i really can drink in what is before me.  i think that God puts His fingerprints all over so much of what is normal life for us... but to me, it doesn't have to be "normal."  even "normal" life can be revolutionary when you can see the Lord in it.

so my resolution to myself is to be kind to myself in my weariness... rest... enjoy... wear my Cliff Lee shirt and watch the Phillies and cheer really loud... take a walk through my town and stare at the strange architecture of every old house on the street if i want... go camping and just SIT by the fire... sit on the back porch and LISTEN to the evening... walk the long way on a lazy afternoon to my neighborhood coffee shop and order their "snowflake latte" in the spring (it's one incredible latte)... take a long nap in the sun and the grass... spend TIME with the dear people in my life, listening to their hearts, and connecting my heart with theirs.  essentially... i want to be, live, enjoy, and love a lot too.  

honestly, i've been amazed by God's sustaining grace in my life during this season of "doing."  i have not liked living life at mach speed.  i've complained and i've bucked and i've sulked about it... but i've been sustained.  i still have 2 feet and 2 legs to stand on... and really, even in spite of the craziness, i've been watching my heart grow more enlarged and ready to take in more of Him and the people around me.

but i do have one request... i would love it if Monday could come soon!

awakening

it appears that spring is coming.  oh how i love it.  i've walked around this week sort of in wonder at the flowers, trees, leaves, birds... seems like it's been so LONG.  i love spring more and more every year.  i walked out of my door the other morning and almost ran into a bright red cardinal... it was so the Lord reminding me that spring always comes... just like He promised that joy always comes in the morning.

i admitted to some friends the other night that it's been a hard year... for many reasons.  i can still feel the effects of some of what i've carried this year.  life--along with pain--takes time to process and work through.  for me, the time factor has not been a welcome one.  i find myself often geared up to "move on" and "get on with it," sometimes to the neglect of my own heart and the pain there.  Jesus has been so kind to stop me and say, "daughter, for your good, we will not move on yet.  we need to stay here for a little while longer."  and i pout in the corner because i do not understand... but He does.  so we stay.

but spring comes... and to me, spring means healing.  healing of wounds that i didn't even know i had... the embrace of love and grace that i so desperately need... the invitation to open myself and offer my heart to experience the embrace of others... the vulnerability to invite Jesus to be my Friend in my car rides back and forth from work, to get on my knees like a child and ask Him to show me what Abba means... the gentleness to look up and ask Him to teach me about love.  it's the willingness to let go and open wide my arms and let Him grab me and take care of me.

and if i sound like i'm "there" or like i've got it made, then i am entirely fooling you!  what i mean to say is that i hear the gentle voice calling me to go deeper into Him, into a safe place that i didn't even know existed, a place that i hardly understand yet... but i know it's time to go.  i know that life--by virtue of being life--will continue to be painful in ways that i cannot expect or prepare for from where i now sit.  this cannot stop me though from moving more deeply into Him.  joy comes in the morning... spring comes after winter... i'm thankful that this is part of His beautiful design.

without your wounds...

"without your wounds, where would your power be? it is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women.  the very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children of this earth, as can one human being broken on the wheels of living.  in love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
~Thornton Wilder, as told by Brennan Manning

blast from the past

I used to listen to Keith Green a ton in high school and college, but I don't think I've thought about him too much since then.  God put a Keith Green song in my head yesterday and I've been listening to him ever since.  I can't seem to turn him off!  What passion and HEART... amazing.

Friends, listen to this and be encouraged...



He's been dead since 1980... but still making an impact over 30 years later.  I want my life to be like that too.

a star fetish

I have a friend at school who has a dinosaur fetish. I find it hilarious. We're studying Christian counseling, and we're totally in it up to our eyebrows... but there's been several times lately when we've been on a break from class and I've overheard him talking about dinosaurs! It always cracks me up. It got me thinking about my own fetishes... short list and long list!  One such fetish is stars.  I love to stare at a night sky and search out all of the constellations. It's amazing to me that there's millions of them and that they're all placed so perfectly.

He brings out the starry host one by one and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. ~Isaiah 40. Our God is pretty incredible.

Well, it's been a long week... so tonight I really want to give in to my star fetish...

the Big Dipper

the Great Bear (I just learned that the Big Dipper is actually a part of the Great Bear!)

Orion and his belt (one of my favorites)

Cassiopeia

Andromeda (supposed to resemble a dead guy, i think!)

Sagittarius (i'm pretty sure he's the archer)

after the stampede

It's time to fly home tomorrow. I stampeded my way through my project this week and finished more than I expected, actually. It's been SOOO much work, and there is still more to do.

And I sit here now and tell myself that it's finally OK to stop working. I can be off the hook... at least for a few hours. And I find myself in a reflective mood. I feel tired and still stressed... but also very grateful. I feel like my soul is somehow beginning to "center" and rest in what I know is really important. I've experienced some things during the past year that, had I known they were coming, I would have turned and went running for the hills. But I didn't know they were coming... so I had to walk through them and I found that I survived.

From a bit of hind sight perspective, all I can say is that God is good. He has kept me in the palm of His hand in ways that I have never known before. I've heard His voice, I've known His peace, I've felt Him walking beside me... not to mention some other out-of-the-ordinary things that have happened, that I totally think HE was behind! I don't say any of these things to boast, because honestly, I don't feel that close to Him much of the time.

But, there is something about suffering... there's a beauty in it that makes God real, the intangible becomes tangible. Seriously, I think I've touched and felt things that are un-touchable and un-feelable. As my friend Rich Mullins says, "God seems to have a very special place in His heart for the poor and the broken." And I broke this year... in some new ways, I broke. And I found a very special place in His heart just for me.

I don't really know where to go from here. I still have a month of hectic school work left. Before I even approach that, I have to leave a wonderful week with my parents and fly home... that makes me cry. It's very hard for me to say good-bye.

But I know that I am still in the palm of Jesus' hand, someplace deep in His heart. That's my real home, I'm pretty sure. So I'll rest there tonight. And here's a song that I've been listening to over and over again and just can't seem to turn off...

...honestly, i've gone back and forth with myself all day (I've thought TOO much about this!!)-- to post or not to post? there's parts of my heart that i try to keep just between me and God and a few other people who know me VERY well. but writing is becoming a part of ME, i think, and telling my story is really telling God's story of redemption in many ways... see, i'm trying to talk myself into leaving this post and not erasing it AGAIN! so it will stay... and i hope you like it. i hope that somehow my journey encourages yours... and that maybe God will shine just a little bit brighter through us encouraging each other.