last day

i planned to go to church today... my last full day in Germany.  but i didn't quite make it.  instead, i ended up at the bakery with a coffee and a pastry, and here i sit on my balcony with that coffee, pastry, and my good old OJ.  as i sit here, a complete rush of thoughts and emotions come to the surface and begin to flood me.  i try to process them one by one, but finally, i just tell the Lord, "oh Jesus, there's so much.  i can't begin to process.  will You help me?"

my weeks here have been wonderful, full, deep... all of the things that make life wonderful and precious.  there have been so many moments that i will hold close to my heart for a long time... i'm so grateful for them.  but the weeks have also been incredibly busy.  i've struggled with embracing one of the parts of me that i enjoy most-- the part that just wants to sit, soak, ponder, and talk with the Lord.  there just hasn't been time or space for too much of that.  so i sit on my balcony and i start to talk to Jesus and tears come to my eyes.  i tell Him about my gratitude for the blessings which have come to me in magnitude, but i also tell Him about my sadness and disappointment that i didn't take more time to deepen and soak in more of my relationship with Him.

but then... just as the tears and the apology come to the surface, something really amazing happens.  i get the image of a Father coming to His little daughter and picking her up, kissing her forehead, and holding her tight.  and i remember those words that Jesus said to my friend Brennan, "don't apologize... come on out and play."  i sit here and i can't get past the fact that the Father is my Father and the daughter is me.

and i just want to say that this is what makes our God so different and so wonderful.  when we think the pressure is on us, He lifts our head and shows us that the pressure is gone.  when we get stuck in the cramped style of legalism and performance, He washes us with the truths of forgiveness and grace.  He enables us to share those truths with others.  He shows me that i'm His... and that that truth is a permanent one.  i'm filled with gratitude.