after the stampede

It's time to fly home tomorrow. I stampeded my way through my project this week and finished more than I expected, actually. It's been SOOO much work, and there is still more to do.

And I sit here now and tell myself that it's finally OK to stop working. I can be off the hook... at least for a few hours. And I find myself in a reflective mood. I feel tired and still stressed... but also very grateful. I feel like my soul is somehow beginning to "center" and rest in what I know is really important. I've experienced some things during the past year that, had I known they were coming, I would have turned and went running for the hills. But I didn't know they were coming... so I had to walk through them and I found that I survived.

From a bit of hind sight perspective, all I can say is that God is good. He has kept me in the palm of His hand in ways that I have never known before. I've heard His voice, I've known His peace, I've felt Him walking beside me... not to mention some other out-of-the-ordinary things that have happened, that I totally think HE was behind! I don't say any of these things to boast, because honestly, I don't feel that close to Him much of the time.

But, there is something about suffering... there's a beauty in it that makes God real, the intangible becomes tangible. Seriously, I think I've touched and felt things that are un-touchable and un-feelable. As my friend Rich Mullins says, "God seems to have a very special place in His heart for the poor and the broken." And I broke this year... in some new ways, I broke. And I found a very special place in His heart just for me.

I don't really know where to go from here. I still have a month of hectic school work left. Before I even approach that, I have to leave a wonderful week with my parents and fly home... that makes me cry. It's very hard for me to say good-bye.

But I know that I am still in the palm of Jesus' hand, someplace deep in His heart. That's my real home, I'm pretty sure. So I'll rest there tonight. And here's a song that I've been listening to over and over again and just can't seem to turn off...

...honestly, i've gone back and forth with myself all day (I've thought TOO much about this!!)-- to post or not to post? there's parts of my heart that i try to keep just between me and God and a few other people who know me VERY well. but writing is becoming a part of ME, i think, and telling my story is really telling God's story of redemption in many ways... see, i'm trying to talk myself into leaving this post and not erasing it AGAIN! so it will stay... and i hope you like it. i hope that somehow my journey encourages yours... and that maybe God will shine just a little bit brighter through us encouraging each other.