out of exhaustion

i'm finally sitting down in my room... for the first time in 4 whole days! the past 4 days have been FULL of running from thing to thing to thing with literally no stopping. today i am EXHAUSTED. my boss walked into my office today to find me staring blankly into my laptop screen, doing absolutely nothing. oops. i don't know how long i had been staring. at least i wasn't asleep.

i picked up my mom at the airport tonight and was recounting to her all of the events of the past week. and you know what? life is so very interesting. we just NEVER know what is coming next. sometimes, i LOVE that... because i love being surprised by the Lord. but other times, my tired soul just wants to KNOW, wants to have some sense of some sort of control, some cushion of "all is well" so that i can rest. i continue to wake to the reality though that control is an illusion... it always has been.

i was driving in the rainstorm to the airport this evening, trying to get all of my chaotic thoughts out of my head, trying to speak them to Jesus and tell Him just how crazy and interesting this week has been. but it wasn't working! it was like i would start to tell Him a thought... and then my mind would take off in a million other directions... and then i would reign myself in and try again... and again, it wouldn't work. i just felt flooded by my own thoughts... and by the fact that i've had practically no time this week to process them.

... but He is continuing to wash my heart with the realization that He does not demand perfection and "together-ness" of me. i so often try to demand it of myself but He does not demand it of me. tonight, in my exhaustion, i think how much easier it would be if i were perfect... because then i wouldn't have been impatient tonight or anxious yesterday or angry the day before... or afraid now of the very FULL day that i have ahead of me tomorrow and of my own lack of energy and strength to meet it. and honestly, when i'm this tired, i even struggle to ask the Lord for the strength that i know He has... i don't even know how to be in a position to receive from Him that which only He can give. it's one of those "Jesus, you'll have to come get me because it's too far to walk" nights.

and maybe He's ok with that. maybe there's a big place in His Abba heart that takes joy in picking up a tired daughter and carrying her down her road. maybe i'll curl up in that place tonight. it's a good thing to be carried. i so need it. and i'm gonna try to keep my exhausted heart open to Him and see how He might want to speak to me in it.