girl meets bear.

This is something that I wrote a few days ago... I'm just getting around to posting it tonight.

I finally made it to Little Squaw Mountain yesterday.  (I wrote in an earlier post that I tried to go to Little Squaw last week but ended up on Big Squaw instead!)  I love Little Squaw... it has a beautiful trail that runs along the shores of Big and Little Moose Ponds.  The view along most of the trail is pretty magnificent.

I love the outdoors... I've actually spent the past 24 hours praying that I might someday have a chance to do the whole Appalachian Trail. =)  But yesterday, I could not help but notice that I was the only one on Little Squaw mountain... no other cars were at the trail head, no other human beings on the trail.  And I also ran into something that I found alarming-- I looked at the trail and was quite sure I saw the prints of a bear right near the prints of my own shoes.  Later, I found scat that looked like it also belonged to a bear.  I guess it's possible that the print and the scat were old and that the bear was far away from me... but I did not know for sure!  My imagination ran wild, and I was afraid. I prayed and I prayed and I recited Psalm 46 (in my head, not out loud-- so as to not startle the bear that might be lingering!!) and I pulled my determined self together and forged my way to the top.  And I made it.  And I made it the whole way down... no bears.

But my dad had told me that bears don't like water... so guess what?  I made sure that I knew where every pond and lake and stream was on that mountain.  I also periodically checked my proximity to all of those bodies of water... trying to determine how easy or difficult it might be for me to run and jump into that water if I needed to escape a bear!

I am a girl who loves nature and loves beauty and loves Jesus, but on that day, I found myself anxiously scanning the trees for bears and mentally logging the presence of all bodies of water on that mountain.  While my wilderness self forged ahead and kept telling me that I have never heard of a hiker being attacked by bears in these parts, my other self felt petrified and very aware that I was a girl alone on that mountain who had no idea where the bear might be.  I felt shaken, even after I was safely down the mountain.

So tonight, I listened as the Phillies beat the Cardinals in 10 innings (yippee!), and then I turned off the radio and I paused and I asked Jesus some questions that have been lingering in my heart since yesterday... Jesus, what do You think of bears?  Really.  And what do You think of this girl who is afraid of bears?

I think His answer is one that I already know... yet one that I can never get enough of.  I have heard Him speaking to me these words several times over the past few days.  I hope He will tell me until the day I die.  "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  O Jesus, I come.  And I find that there is no exception clause for girls who are afraid of bears. He does not ask me to conquer the fear... He asks me to hold on to Him, to follow where He leads.  I often don't know where He's leading me, but I know for sure that I would rather face the bears with Him than without Him.

So I continue to learn to trust Him.  Shoot, what a crazy road this is!  What a good road it is.  I get to climb mountains of many shapes and sizes and I get to face my bears with a very good Guide who holds me tight and leads me one step at a time.  I continue to learn to hold on to His hand and follow His leading.

when I made it to the top of Little Squaw

(if you look really closely, you can see Kineo in the distance)

the shore of Little Moose Pond, where the trail led me (and where I was ready to jump in the water if the bear came!)

the magic hour

Come climb the hill with me
Come and be still with me
Come watch the sun sink away
If you will with me

Come watch the garden grow
Down by the gravel road
Come warm your hands in the gold
Of the afterglow

Into the peace of these wild things, 
Into the wild of this grace, 
Into the grace of this blessing, 
Speak in the peace of this place...
~Andrew Peterson

Dooley and I took a walk on the railroad tonight... and we watched the sun setting around us.  We heard something rustling in the bushes nearby... I hoped it was a moose!  But it was a strange bird with a big orange feather on his head (I've got to ask my dad about that one).  I looked up and saw the two Squaw mountains in the distance.  They are calling to me... I think I'll be climbing up there again this week.  I really can't wait.

the mighty mountain

Dad and I hit the dirt road today for a new adventure!  

Destination: the Pelletier American Loggers Restaurant in Millinocket (I have learned that this is a famous restaurant from the Discovery Channel) =)  

The journey to Millinocket is about 2 1/2 hours on dirt roads... but the amazing thing is that you drive next to Mount Katahdin and the Penobscot River for much of the way.  And the day was beautiful--clear, blue sky.  I had never seen Mount Katahdin on such a clear day before.  I loved it.

We stopped several times to take pictures, go fishing, and just take it in.  What a beautiful day.

 the mighty mountain from one of Dad's favorite fishing spots on the Penobscot

 from Abol Bridge campground

I am a really blessed girl.

really see

Adventure is, by its nature, a thing that comes to us.  It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.
~Chesterton

Today adventure came to me.  And I really do love adventure.  I drove this afternoon to hike up "Little Squaw" mountain.  It's a favorite of mine... beautiful, a shorter climb, and the only mountain that I have ever done by myself.  I have many good memories on that mountain.  The only problem was that I couldn't find it!  I drove up and down that dirt road and just could not find the trail head.  It was the strangest thing... and I found myself yelling in my car, "how do you LOSE a mountain??"  I'm smiling as I remember it.

So I ended up on "Big Squaw" mountain instead.  That trail head, I found!  I've gone up Big Squaw a few times before with my dad but never by myself.  But I think I have a determined streak in me that just does not give up easily... so up I went, up Big Squaw.

And it is BIG.  And it was HARD.  I got over a bad cold just yesterday and I underestimated how colds can linger... so there I was, wheezing my way up Big Squaw.  I felt like I stopped just as much as I walked.  I remember one moment in particular-- I was more than halfway up the mountain, and the rocks were getting higher and steeper.  I was having a hard time breathing, and I seriously began to wonder if I had gone far enough and if it was time for me to go back down.

I turned around to make that decision and I stopped dead in my tracks... because I did not realize how high I had come. I looked out and I could see... lakes, rivers, mountains, trees.  The sight was magnificent.  I was filled with new strength and I forged ahead to the top.

And on the top, I could really see...

It made me grateful for the moments when you turn around and have the chance to see how far you've come... and are filled with new strength and excitement for what is ahead.

a pic a day

... this is very fun for me.

I am on an extended break... I don't remember the last time I took a break like this.  I finished my job of almost 9 years on Friday, hopped in my car, and headed due north.  I'll be up here for the next couple of weeks before I start my new job.  This is a quite a gift for me... TIME and REST.  

There's so much up here that's so wonderful.  Stuff that takes me by surprise and makes me smile.  So I would like to tell you about it, a pic a day. =)

My mom asked me today to run to the post office for her.  I grabbed my favorite little furr-ball Dooley and we drove to the post office... but then we kept driving.  It's been raining for DAYS here and it was supposed to rain even harder today.  But on that drive, the sky cleared... the sky turned blue and the sun came out for just a bit of time.  And we saw a moose on the road!  It was so fun.  Dooley barked his head off and I laughed.

At the end of the paved road is Kokadjo.  I don't think you can really call it a "town"... really, it's just 3 or 4 buildings... but it's on a lake and it's sure beautiful.  So Dooley and I parked the car and walked along the lake for a bit.  It was great.  Then, I took a picture of this sign.  

It made me grateful for the moments when the sky clears and you get to take a walk in the sun.

when you are a pirate

I had an "eye-opening" experience this week.  I mean this as a pun... I'll tell you why.

These last couple of weeks have been very full and very emotional.  I am in the midst of finishing many things--wrapping up three of my own classes, the group counseling class for which I have been an apprentice-instructor for the past year, and the job that I have had for the past 8 years.  Yikes, so many things that have meant so much to me... they are coming to an end.

How do you end, and end well?  How do you start new things, and start well?  I really don't know.  But I've sure tried to find out.  I sort of fell into an old tendency of mine-- put your nose to the grindstone and try hard.  That's what I've been doing.  Painstakingly leaving detailed notes for the next person in my job.  Trying to process the thousands of wayward emotions that ransack me every day in this transition.  And trying to still be present, and kind, and put together... while the insides of me feel completely not put together.  Transition and change... I guess they don't fall into neat and orderly lines... although I've wished that they would.

So Thursday morning, I was getting ready for a long day of work (at the job I'll soon be leaving) and an evening of celebration (for the class and students that I've been co-instructing this year).  I got up early, ready to take on and embrace the new day and all that it would hold.  As I was doing my eye make-up-- the same way that I do it every morning-- something strange happened.  A piece of my eye pencil fell in to my eye. Long story short, I scratched my cornea, and for the life of me, I could not make my eye stay open.  Instead, my eye fluttered... constantly.  Irritated by the scratch, it constantly fluttered... which gave me a headache.  It was not a good time and I was not in a good mood.

I decided to visit the university nurse, hoping that she would give me some kind of eye drop or salve--something to stop the irritation and constant fluttering.  Nope.  She was very kind but she did not give me a salve.  What she gave me was an eye patch.  Yes, an eye patch that would force my eye to stay shut and stop the irritation and fluttering.  So I emerged from her office with a bulging white cotton patch covering my right eye, held in place by long, stark, obtrusive strips of white tape.  (I do NOT have a picture.)

I looked ridiculous.  And I did not want to run in to anyone.  I literally ran through the halls from her office, back to mine.  And then I closed the door (I never close the door).  What a day.  In all of my attempts to take on the day and handle it well, I found myself sitting in my office with a shut door because I was embarrassed that I looked like a pirate.  And there was nothing I could do about it.  I was in so much pain that I needed that eye patch... I had to look like a pirate.

After a few other sort of similar incidents this weekend, I am facing something very important that I must learn.  I am not perfect.  That is not a surprise to me... I do already know that.  But I'm learning that in the moments when life heats up and my emotions skyrocket, so does the pressure that I put on myself.

So I continue to learn--the hard way at times!--that I must accept my own imperfection.  Jesus' invitation to relationship with Him has nothing to do with performance... it completely has to do with His unconditional acceptance which He already settled long ago at the Cross.  And when I let myself be imperfect, I learn to take the focus off of myself and look to the only One who is completely beautiful and completely perfect.  And He sure is beautiful... and He sure does captivate me.  And somehow in the process of being captivated, I become more like Him.  And life is not about performance or perfection.  It's about knowing and loving the One who has loved me so much.  It's about wanting to be like Him but resting in His grace in the times when I'm not.  It's about standing on the promise that He will pull me through and when I can't, falling on the grace that brought me to Him in the first place (thanks, Rich).

So, from this perspective--eye healed and patch-less--I am grateful for the days when I am humbled into looking like a pirate.  I might still want to hide in my office with the door shut, but I also learn more about what it means to rejoice in my own weaknesses and triumph in the strength that is freely given to me.

Praise Jesus.  May I continue to learn to walk in His ways.

flowers appear

view from my window

It is spring.  One of my favorite things about spring is the flowers.  I was driving to work this morning and--this might sound weird--but as I was driving through all of the flowering trees--the magnolias, lilac bushes, dogwoods, etc--I felt like they were ministering to me.  Grace, beauty, renewal, LIFE... this is what flowers speak to me.

So in the spring, I just want to be WITH the flowers as much as possible.  I went to Longwood Gardens on Good Friday and I could have stood in the tulip walkway all day, taking in the colors, shapes, forms, all of it.  What beauty.  I love those flowers.

It's funny.  I find myself at the grocery store almost every day, either buying a cup of coffee, sushi for lunch, fresh strawberries, etc, etc, etc.  But now that it's spring, I end up buying something else too.  Tulips are on sale for $2 with the shopper's card.  I can't tell you how many times I've walked in there and walked out with a tulip.  They truly bring me joy.  I'm sitting at my desk now looking at the bright orange tulip I bought last week.  I think it's dying now... so my friend just went to the grocery store with my $2 and returned with a pretty pink hyacinth.  And this one smells lovely. =)

The other day, I walked in to my office to find a pretty purple flower sitting in a pot on my desk.  I didn't buy that one for myself, but it sure was pretty.  I walked around to everyone that I knew--"do you know who gave me this flower?"  Nobody fessed up.  I was told I had an admirer. =)  But I loved that flower more than any of the others.  It was a gift, an unexpected one.  Somebody, somewhere either knew or imagined my love for flowers (and the color purple!) and left one for me.  I loved that flower, and I was very sad when it died.

That pretty purple flower speaks to me a great lesson that my heart has been learning.  I love beauty.  Beauty speaks to me of the world that my heart was meant for, the world that one day I will live in--where nothing will be broken and everything will be in its fullness.  I so long to see glimpses of that world in the here and now--experience it, partake in it, savor it, sit in it for a while.  So I look for beauty, and I often stubbornly insist on finding it and easily feel disappointed when I don't.

So sometimes, I find myself at the grocery store with my $2 tulips, enjoying the (affordable) beauty that they bring!  But other times, I am just going about my daily business and I sit down at my desk to find a flower waiting for me.  Unexpected beauty in an unexpected gift.  I think it's the heart of the Father going out to me, speaking to me, "I know your heart, daughter.  I know what brings you joy.  And I delight to meet you in that place."  And I know He does.  I must admit that I love those pretty purple flowers the most-- the moments beyond human understanding, when the Supernatural seems to break through my world and tell me that He gets me, knows me, and is with me.

Choosing to live this life by faith in Jesus is not easy.  Some days, I wonder if I'm doing anything right or making an impact on anyone at all.  That's probably part of why I love to see the beauty in this world-- because it reminds me that yes, this really is my Father's world.  But there are moments that seem like Divine confirmation-- when an unexpected flower appears, an Eternal "yes" to my question, saying to me "yes, Bethany, you are my beloved daughter. With you I am well pleased."  Those times are my favorite.