I can tell that my life is in a shift now... a painful shift but a beautiful, essential shift. Call it shifting from duty to desire, schedule to soul, obligation to offering - I don't know what to call it! But I look back... and oh my word, the past three years have been hard. Working full time, school full time, ministry, counseling, friends, family - life has been good and FULL. I'm afraid that I was in danger of losing myself - the part of me that is most precious, the connection to Jesus - in all of the busyness, pressure, and hub-bub.
So I quit my full time job and I start a part time job, and I begin to prepare myself for the next thing - my first counselor's "job" (well, it's an internship, but you know what I mean!). In the midst of transitioning to working part time at a church and anticipating counseling, I find myself staring straight into my own heart... and maybe because life is quieter now, I can't escape my own heart.
For anyone who has spent time getting to know themselves, you know that it's good and it's bad... kind of beautiful and painful at the same time. Except I think the bad usually comes first, then the good... the pain, then the beauty. But anyway, here I am looking at my own heart, and I find in there a need that I can't explain in any word other than - precious. Here's what I'm finding - it doesn't matter how much you know, how much reflecting you've done by a counselor's standards, how good your leadership skills may be, how much grace you can give in the moments when it's needed most - those things are not life in and of themselves. And even though I've grown by leaps and bounds in those areas in the past three years, as I look at my heart today, I find myself in much the same place I've always been -- I am a child in desperate need of the love of her Father.
Maybe in my naivete or intensive counselor training, I thought "strength" would mean increasing independence. But it hasn't... strength has meant increased dependence. It's that beautiful, vulnerable place of knowing that the task in front of you has been crafted especially for you and walking forward with joy and anticipation... but knowing through and through, that you cannot do it on your own. It's staring the task full in the face, falling on your knees, raising your hands up to heaven, and then walking forward. It's knowing that if you stand, you'll be standing on Grace, but if you fall, you'll be caught by that same Grace.
So as I look in my own heart, I see even more of the need for increased relationship with my Father. And I'm coming to understand that this is the greatest gift ever - to become aware of my own need and to be empowered to be willing to live in it... to open my hands, open my mouth and let Him fill me in whatever way He chooses.
So I learn not to be afraid of the 'bigness' of what is ahead of me... but to see it, feel it, let it impact me, and let it take me straight to Jesus and His cross. May I become more like Him, may my life be more like His.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
he makes flowers
I woke up yesterday morning and looked out the window to see my grandpop carefully attending to his rosebushes. A long time ago, he planted a row of rosebushes that line the entire length of the back deck--roses of all different colors and sizes. They are beautiful. For as long as I have known him, my grandpop has loved gardening and he is one great gardener.
I watched him yesterday from the window, working so meticulously. With a small pair of cutters, one by one, he removed dying leaves from the rosebushes and explained to me that the roses can't bloom as brightly when their leaves are dying. So almost everyday, he goes out and cuts off the dying leaves. And the roses are beautiful... they really are. He takes such good care of them.
My grandpop's roses are beautiful because he cares for them so well. They really are a testament to who he is as their gardener.
Oh my word. Has Jesus been speaking to me! I watched my grandpop and I could hear his voice--
I am the true vine and my Father is the Gardener. Every branch is me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit in itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15)
I have felt this pruning lately and I have struggled to understand it. Areas of my life that I have put my trust in and measured my security by... some of them have been disappearing. I sometimes feel like I am standing with empty hands. Emptiness, loss--these are difficult to understand and live with. I feel weary and I find myself battling that dark place where I question the heart of God toward me.
But still he prunes. And he tells me that he does it because he's a good gardener (the best) and he knows the beauty and the fruit that I was made for and he longs to see me live in it.
When I was in Maine last month, one of the greatest treasures given to me was time with my dad. We went on several "adventures" that we came up with together, and for me, the time was precious. One day, we drove down a pretty desolate dirt road and pulled off by a stream for my dad to do some fishing. There was a treasure waiting for me there-- next to the stream, grew one lone pink tulip...
I watched him yesterday from the window, working so meticulously. With a small pair of cutters, one by one, he removed dying leaves from the rosebushes and explained to me that the roses can't bloom as brightly when their leaves are dying. So almost everyday, he goes out and cuts off the dying leaves. And the roses are beautiful... they really are. He takes such good care of them.
My grandpop's roses are beautiful because he cares for them so well. They really are a testament to who he is as their gardener.
Oh my word. Has Jesus been speaking to me! I watched my grandpop and I could hear his voice--
I am the true vine and my Father is the Gardener. Every branch is me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit in itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15)
I have felt this pruning lately and I have struggled to understand it. Areas of my life that I have put my trust in and measured my security by... some of them have been disappearing. I sometimes feel like I am standing with empty hands. Emptiness, loss--these are difficult to understand and live with. I feel weary and I find myself battling that dark place where I question the heart of God toward me.
But still he prunes. And he tells me that he does it because he's a good gardener (the best) and he knows the beauty and the fruit that I was made for and he longs to see me live in it.
When I was in Maine last month, one of the greatest treasures given to me was time with my dad. We went on several "adventures" that we came up with together, and for me, the time was precious. One day, we drove down a pretty desolate dirt road and pulled off by a stream for my dad to do some fishing. There was a treasure waiting for me there-- next to the stream, grew one lone pink tulip...
It was growing in the grass next to the stream all by itself and it was the only one in sight. I have no idea how it got there (although I tried to imagine all of the ways.) It was strikingly beautiful and starkly different than the landscape around it. My dad still talks about how much I loved that tulip... I guess I made quite a scene over it.
I knew Jesus gave that flower to me, but at the time, I didn't understand. Now I think I do. Pruning hurts. Sometimes, I'm tempted to think I might be content to just be a piece of grass and not hurt... hide and blend in with the landscape for a little while. But Jesus, who made me, knows me so much better than I know me. He longs that I would lift my head and see him and know him and trust his care. So he prunes... because he alone knows the tulip that I really can be in his hands.
So I guess I don't need to question his intentions or fight his pruning. Because if he's the gardener, then I want to be the tulip. I praise the one who patiently prunes even while his flowers try to fight him off and I pray that I might live my life as a testament to the goodness of the gardener.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
girl meets bear.
This is something that I wrote a few days ago... I'm just getting around to posting it tonight.
I finally made it to Little Squaw Mountain yesterday. (I wrote in an earlier post that I tried to go to Little Squaw last week but ended up on Big Squaw instead!) I love Little Squaw... it has a beautiful trail that runs along the shores of Big and Little Moose Ponds. The view along most of the trail is pretty magnificent.
I love the outdoors... I've actually spent the past 24 hours praying that I might someday have a chance to do the whole Appalachian Trail. =) But yesterday, I could not help but notice that I was the only one on Little Squaw mountain... no other cars were at the trail head, no other human beings on the trail. And I also ran into something that I found alarming-- I looked at the trail and was quite sure I saw the prints of a bear right near the prints of my own shoes. Later, I found scat that looked like it also belonged to a bear. I guess it's possible that the print and the scat were old and that the bear was far away from me... but I did not know for sure! My imagination ran wild, and I was afraid. I prayed and I prayed and I recited Psalm 46 (in my head, not out loud-- so as to not startle the bear that might be lingering!!) and I pulled my determined self together and forged my way to the top. And I made it. And I made it the whole way down... no bears.
But my dad had told me that bears don't like water... so guess what? I made sure that I knew where every pond and lake and stream was on that mountain. I also periodically checked my proximity to all of those bodies of water... trying to determine how easy or difficult it might be for me to run and jump into that water if I needed to escape a bear!
I am a girl who loves nature and loves beauty and loves Jesus, but on that day, I found myself anxiously scanning the trees for bears and mentally logging the presence of all bodies of water on that mountain. While my wilderness self forged ahead and kept telling me that I have never heard of a hiker being attacked by bears in these parts, my other self felt petrified and very aware that I was a girl alone on that mountain who had no idea where the bear might be. I felt shaken, even after I was safely down the mountain.
So tonight, I listened as the Phillies beat the Cardinals in 10 innings (yippee!), and then I turned off the radio and I paused and I asked Jesus some questions that have been lingering in my heart since yesterday... Jesus, what do You think of bears? Really. And what do You think of this girl who is afraid of bears?
I think His answer is one that I already know... yet one that I can never get enough of. I have heard Him speaking to me these words several times over the past few days. I hope He will tell me until the day I die. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." O Jesus, I come. And I find that there is no exception clause for girls who are afraid of bears. He does not ask me to conquer the fear... He asks me to hold on to Him, to follow where He leads. I often don't know where He's leading me, but I know for sure that I would rather face the bears with Him than without Him.
So I continue to learn to trust Him. Shoot, what a crazy road this is! What a good road it is. I get to climb mountains of many shapes and sizes and I get to face my bears with a very good Guide who holds me tight and leads me one step at a time. I continue to learn to hold on to His hand and follow His leading.
I love the outdoors... I've actually spent the past 24 hours praying that I might someday have a chance to do the whole Appalachian Trail. =) But yesterday, I could not help but notice that I was the only one on Little Squaw mountain... no other cars were at the trail head, no other human beings on the trail. And I also ran into something that I found alarming-- I looked at the trail and was quite sure I saw the prints of a bear right near the prints of my own shoes. Later, I found scat that looked like it also belonged to a bear. I guess it's possible that the print and the scat were old and that the bear was far away from me... but I did not know for sure! My imagination ran wild, and I was afraid. I prayed and I prayed and I recited Psalm 46 (in my head, not out loud-- so as to not startle the bear that might be lingering!!) and I pulled my determined self together and forged my way to the top. And I made it. And I made it the whole way down... no bears.
But my dad had told me that bears don't like water... so guess what? I made sure that I knew where every pond and lake and stream was on that mountain. I also periodically checked my proximity to all of those bodies of water... trying to determine how easy or difficult it might be for me to run and jump into that water if I needed to escape a bear!
I am a girl who loves nature and loves beauty and loves Jesus, but on that day, I found myself anxiously scanning the trees for bears and mentally logging the presence of all bodies of water on that mountain. While my wilderness self forged ahead and kept telling me that I have never heard of a hiker being attacked by bears in these parts, my other self felt petrified and very aware that I was a girl alone on that mountain who had no idea where the bear might be. I felt shaken, even after I was safely down the mountain.
So tonight, I listened as the Phillies beat the Cardinals in 10 innings (yippee!), and then I turned off the radio and I paused and I asked Jesus some questions that have been lingering in my heart since yesterday... Jesus, what do You think of bears? Really. And what do You think of this girl who is afraid of bears?
I think His answer is one that I already know... yet one that I can never get enough of. I have heard Him speaking to me these words several times over the past few days. I hope He will tell me until the day I die. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." O Jesus, I come. And I find that there is no exception clause for girls who are afraid of bears. He does not ask me to conquer the fear... He asks me to hold on to Him, to follow where He leads. I often don't know where He's leading me, but I know for sure that I would rather face the bears with Him than without Him.
So I continue to learn to trust Him. Shoot, what a crazy road this is! What a good road it is. I get to climb mountains of many shapes and sizes and I get to face my bears with a very good Guide who holds me tight and leads me one step at a time. I continue to learn to hold on to His hand and follow His leading.
when I made it to the top of Little Squaw
(if you look really closely, you can see Kineo in the distance)
the shore of Little Moose Pond, where the trail led me (and where I was ready to jump in the water if the bear came!)
Monday, May 21, 2012
the magic hour
Come climb the hill with me
Come and be still with me
Come watch the sun sink away
If you will with me
Come watch the garden grow
Down by the gravel road
Come warm your hands in the gold
Of the afterglow
Into the peace of these wild things,
Into the wild of this grace,
Into the grace of this blessing,
Speak in the peace of this place...
~Andrew Peterson
Dooley and I took a walk on the railroad tonight... and we watched the sun setting around us. We heard something rustling in the bushes nearby... I hoped it was a moose! But it was a strange bird with a big orange feather on his head (I've got to ask my dad about that one). I looked up and saw the two Squaw mountains in the distance. They are calling to me... I think I'll be climbing up there again this week. I really can't wait.
Come and be still with me
Come watch the sun sink away
If you will with me
Come watch the garden grow
Down by the gravel road
Come warm your hands in the gold
Of the afterglow
Into the peace of these wild things,
Into the wild of this grace,
Into the grace of this blessing,
Speak in the peace of this place...
~Andrew Peterson
Friday, May 18, 2012
the mighty mountain
Dad and I hit the dirt road today for a new adventure!
Destination: the Pelletier American Loggers Restaurant in Millinocket (I have learned that this is a famous restaurant from the Discovery Channel) =)
The journey to Millinocket is about 2 1/2 hours on dirt roads... but the amazing thing is that you drive next to Mount Katahdin and the Penobscot River for much of the way. And the day was beautiful--clear, blue sky. I had never seen Mount Katahdin on such a clear day before. I loved it.
We stopped several times to take pictures, go fishing, and just take it in. What a beautiful day.
the mighty mountain from one of Dad's favorite fishing spots on the Penobscot
from Abol Bridge campground
I am a really blessed girl.
really see
Adventure is, by its nature, a thing that comes to us. It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.
~Chesterton
Today adventure came to me. And I really do love adventure. I drove this afternoon to hike up "Little Squaw" mountain. It's a favorite of mine... beautiful, a shorter climb, and the only mountain that I have ever done by myself. I have many good memories on that mountain. The only problem was that I couldn't find it! I drove up and down that dirt road and just could not find the trail head. It was the strangest thing... and I found myself yelling in my car, "how do you LOSE a mountain??" I'm smiling as I remember it.
So I ended up on "Big Squaw" mountain instead. That trail head, I found! I've gone up Big Squaw a few times before with my dad but never by myself. But I think I have a determined streak in me that just does not give up easily... so up I went, up Big Squaw.
And it is BIG. And it was HARD. I got over a bad cold just yesterday and I underestimated how colds can linger... so there I was, wheezing my way up Big Squaw. I felt like I stopped just as much as I walked. I remember one moment in particular-- I was more than halfway up the mountain, and the rocks were getting higher and steeper. I was having a hard time breathing, and I seriously began to wonder if I had gone far enough and if it was time for me to go back down.
I turned around to make that decision and I stopped dead in my tracks... because I did not realize how high I had come. I looked out and I could see... lakes, rivers, mountains, trees. The sight was magnificent. I was filled with new strength and I forged ahead to the top.
And on the top, I could really see...
It made me grateful for the moments when you turn around and have the chance to see how far you've come... and are filled with new strength and excitement for what is ahead.
~Chesterton
Today adventure came to me. And I really do love adventure. I drove this afternoon to hike up "Little Squaw" mountain. It's a favorite of mine... beautiful, a shorter climb, and the only mountain that I have ever done by myself. I have many good memories on that mountain. The only problem was that I couldn't find it! I drove up and down that dirt road and just could not find the trail head. It was the strangest thing... and I found myself yelling in my car, "how do you LOSE a mountain??" I'm smiling as I remember it.
So I ended up on "Big Squaw" mountain instead. That trail head, I found! I've gone up Big Squaw a few times before with my dad but never by myself. But I think I have a determined streak in me that just does not give up easily... so up I went, up Big Squaw.
And it is BIG. And it was HARD. I got over a bad cold just yesterday and I underestimated how colds can linger... so there I was, wheezing my way up Big Squaw. I felt like I stopped just as much as I walked. I remember one moment in particular-- I was more than halfway up the mountain, and the rocks were getting higher and steeper. I was having a hard time breathing, and I seriously began to wonder if I had gone far enough and if it was time for me to go back down.
I turned around to make that decision and I stopped dead in my tracks... because I did not realize how high I had come. I looked out and I could see... lakes, rivers, mountains, trees. The sight was magnificent. I was filled with new strength and I forged ahead to the top.
And on the top, I could really see...
It made me grateful for the moments when you turn around and have the chance to see how far you've come... and are filled with new strength and excitement for what is ahead.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
a pic a day
... this is very fun for me.
I am on an extended break... I don't remember the last time I took a break like this. I finished my job of almost 9 years on Friday, hopped in my car, and headed due north. I'll be up here for the next couple of weeks before I start my new job. This is a quite a gift for me... TIME and REST.
There's so much up here that's so wonderful. Stuff that takes me by surprise and makes me smile. So I would like to tell you about it, a pic a day. =)
My mom asked me today to run to the post office for her. I grabbed my favorite little furr-ball Dooley and we drove to the post office... but then we kept driving. It's been raining for DAYS here and it was supposed to rain even harder today. But on that drive, the sky cleared... the sky turned blue and the sun came out for just a bit of time. And we saw a moose on the road! It was so fun. Dooley barked his head off and I laughed.
At the end of the paved road is Kokadjo. I don't think you can really call it a "town"... really, it's just 3 or 4 buildings... but it's on a lake and it's sure beautiful. So Dooley and I parked the car and walked along the lake for a bit. It was great. Then, I took a picture of this sign.
It made me grateful for the moments when the sky clears and you get to take a walk in the sun.
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