blessed break

i've decided to dub this month the "blessed break." ha. i have 4 1/2 more days completely OFF from work and about 3 more weeks completely OFF from school. oh my word... i cannot express the joy that it brought my heart to just type those words.

life gets going so fast sometimes. towards the end of last semester, i knew that i was going TOO fast... careening too closely to complete disaster. but what can you do when such huge papers are due so very closely together? i did the only thing i could-- buckle down, try to prioritize, and get it done. but life went TOO fast... and i found myself feeling pretty out of control. sometimes there are seasons like that in life, i guess...

THIS is the season of my blessed break though. =) i found myself this week reading AW Tozer and a book about mountaineering just because i WANTED to. it was so fun. =) then, today i pulled a CS Lewis book from my shelf and drove to Starbucks... it is great.

i guess there are seasons of WORK in life. i thank Jesus that there are also seasons of REST too! just when i find myself on the verge of some form of insanity, a season of rest comes... a blessed break. ahh... i love it. i am grateful

the whole fam at Christmas

knowing him

There have been moments in my life when I felt that I had a pretty good sense of what God was up to in my heart... I could see the movement of His hand clearly, understand the message He was trying to communicate to me, trace the work of healing that He seemed to be working in me. In those times, I walked with Him with a confidence that we were on the same page, working toward the same end. I felt like I knew where we were going... I could see the finish line ahead. It made the journey seem an easier and SAFER one.

Then... there's other times when the waters seem a bit more muddied... when I'm aware that God is up to SOMETHING... but I struggle for the life of me to trace out or articulate what that might be. I try to hold on to His hand even though I can't see it. And I fight the war inside of me that doubts that He really IS up to something good after all... or have I been mistaken all along? It's a very scary and unsettling place to be--trying to believe when you can't see... to be putting your HEART in the hands of Someone that you can only see as through a glass darkly (I Cor. 13)... when your head KNOWS that He can be trusted, but your heart, after being broken a few times, is afraid to REALLY believe it.

I find myself these days in the latter season, rather than the former. The reality is that some days I feel like I'm clinging to a tiny shred of faith, while other days I'm floundering around, not really sure WHAT I'm clinging to. And then there's the guilt that inevitably follows (I hate guilt... I can't wait til that one gets thrown into the lake of fire.)--it says, "You've been a Christian for 23 years. How can you BE so distrusting? People who really walk with Jesus trust Him."

Well, I think I have a question. HOW did these people learn to trust? Seriously... HOW? Guess what... it probably didn't come naturally to them. I'm wondering (and hoping) that it came through times like I'm describing now... when you can't see but you still choose to believe. When your heart hurts and your every inclination is to take cover and hide, but somehow, you still hold your heart out to Him anyway, LONGING to believe that He's trustworthy.

I have to believe that it's in moments like these--when you're at the bottom but you somehow still choose to look up--that He comes through in the most special and most unique of ways. Maybe these are the times when He shines the brightest... when He touches our hearts in the most personal ways... when we get to know and experience His real heart towards us that we just wouldn't otherwise.

Is this the road of faith? I think so. I don't know why it is so hard sometimes... except that I remember that Jesus said that it's a narrow way and few find it. But I'm finding rest in remembering that there is a PRIZE--and it's Jesus Christ Himself. We can KNOW HIM... in this world, while we're in these bodies. The hard part is that the cost seems to be a measure of suffering likened to His suffering... but the reward is KNOWING HIM. And as we know Him, we find ourselves being transformed from one degree of glory to another... that's a beautiful thing.

"that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11)

"and we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another, for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." (II Cor. 3:18)

Dear friends... this Christmas, may He lead us to Himself.

attics & temples

I did not write this... but I wish I had. I love it.

My new apartment is in the attic of Jim and Megan's house. It's a big old one-roomer with a mind of its own--a cacophony of lines that occur at approximately 45 to 90 degree angles, with floors that sort of redefine "level." This attic has its own idea of what "square" means; its studs have their own interpretation of the classic 24-inch center. Its walls are loosely vertical and the whole thing is about two weeks away from being much more than a lot of potential.

Right now it is resistant to change--openly hostile to my ideas of what it ought to be. But slowly, surely, occasionally even patiently, I am (with the help of some friends--a hammer, a saw, some nails and a wrecking bar) enlightening it, changing its self-concept, convincing it that it is not merely an ugly, old attic--it is a great space that I would like to inhabit and be on friendly terms with--a space full of promise and beauty and order and life.

I suspect that it wants to cooperate, but it's hard and I must be patient. Whoever it was that shaped the attic before me did so with some pretty big nails, deep cuts, hard hammers, and rough saws. They considered the attic to be wasted space, storage space--a distance between the roof and ceiling--a buffer zone and not much else. Someone else came along and closed it in for a smoking room; a place for those ignoble activities that would be inappropriate in the "house proper." They slopped over the walls with cheap, nasty paneling and put in a bathroom, covered the floors with ugly carpeting and stunk it up with a tobacco habit.

Sometimes in the heat of the toil of my labor I give in to fits of selfish rage--frustration more over my own lack of skill than over my apartment's progress. But late at night when I look over the piles of dust and dry wall and knee-deep debris that remain during this reconstructive effort, I am strangely moved by the place and I proclaim the Gospel to it softly. I say, "I know how it hurts to be torn up. I am often choked on the litter left by my own remodeling. I know what it's like to settle (by the grave act of a strong will) into the despair of believing that you are a wasted space. I have felt the blows of some heavy hammers that nailed me to a sense of uselessness. I have been shaped by some pretty careless workers who came to the task of making me and lacked any craftsmanship or artistry. I know the pain of wanting to be changed and yet being distrustful of changes, of wanting to be worked on but being suspicious of the intentions of the Worker. But here is some good news: He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. However messy it may look now, however confusing and scary it appears, however endless the task may seem, we are glorious, beautiful, alive! There is much more tearing out to do-- a lot to give up. No thin coat of new paint, no shallow, petty piety will do. It's not good enough to cover up imperfection, it must be remodeled, transformed. Art, beauty, function--these things take time. They may take til the day of Christ Jesus.

But we are not wasted space, we are temples of a Being greater than ourselves, temples built for being inhabited and brought to life. Though we may not understand the process, our Rebuilder does. We are His workmanship and the place where He lives. Little attic, do not despair! I'm being made by a Master Carpenter. I'm learning a little about building, too.

~Rich Mullins

one of the best Christmas songs ever...

"Penguin, James Penguin" ~ Brad Paisley

seeing

I've been aware that I've been sort of a mess lately... and my every inclination has been to SIFT, figure out, come to grips, etc, etc... trying to be a little less "messy" than I currently feel. Only it doesn't really work that way, I'm finding out.

So I've been living life at mach speed... taking very little time to slow down. For one thing, I don't HAVE very much time to slow down, but sometimes, I like it that way... because it saves me from having to sit in my own messiness. But then, this week, there's moments when I can hear His whisper, "Beth, are you willing to sit in your messiness if you know that I'm there too?"

I remembered today that I'm not invited to approach the Throne of Grace only when the craziness inside of me is quiet. No... I'm invited to COME even when I've been doing everything in my own power to quiet myself... and it's not working. Shoot, I just remembered that verse in Zephaniah 3-- "HE will quiet you with His love." I need Jesus to quiet me... as only He can.

And then He astounds me. There's moments, even while I'm running at mach speed, when I swear that He just shows up anyhow... like when the fall night sky is so crisp and so clear and the stars are just shining and Orion's belt looks like a big Hand and I could swear that it's His hand reaching for me. That's happened 2 nights in a row now. Or when I get together with a good friend and spending time with her is like spending time with Him... and she reminds me, even without actually saying it, that nothing can take me from the love of Jesus. Or when I come to another friend's house to watch her dog for the weekend... and that dog is so soft and cuddly and GENTLE... like somehow Jesus knew that I would really enjoy a cuddly, gentle dog. And especially when I'm working on a horribly loooooong research paper and I realize that the timing falls perfectly for a visit to my parents. I hole up with my laptop on their couch, my mom makes Christmas cookies and my dad makes me coffee, and I watch the snow falling outside. I think Jesus is in that too.

On the one hand, I might sound silly for seeing Jesus in stars and dogs and coffee... but I guess it's just part of His goodness that He shows up in all kinds of ways... reminding me that He is the lifter of my head... and that He loves when I see Him... in whatever form He might come. He really is very good.

Happy thanksgiving, friends.

there's more...

there's more that rises in the morning than the sun

and more that shines in the night than just the moon

there's more than just this fire here that keeps me warm

and a shelter that is larger than this room.

there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment

and a music higher than the songs that i can sing.

the stuff of earth competes for the allegiance i owe only to the Giver of all good things.

if i stand, let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through.

but if i can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You.

if i sing, let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs.

and if i weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home.

there's more that dances on the prairie than the wind

and more that pulses in the ocean than the tide.

there's a love that is fiercer than the love between friends,

gentler than a mother when her baby's at her side.

there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment

and a music higher than the songs that i can sing.

the stuff of earth competes for the allegiance i owe only to the Giver of all good things.

if i stand, let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through

but if i can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You.

if i sing, let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs.

and if i weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home.

~rich mullins

the real thing

this challenges my heart...

"Jesus said you are to love one another as I have loved you, a love that will possibly lead to the bloody, anguished gift of yourself; a love that forgives seventy times seven, that keeps no score of wrongdoing. Jesus said this, this love, is the one criterion, the sole norm, the standard of discipleship in the New Israel of God. He said you're going to be identified as His disciples, not because of your church-going, Bible-toting, or song-singing. No, you'll be identified as his by one sign only: the deep and delicate respect for one another, the cordial love impregnated with reverence for the sacred dimension of the human personality because of the mysterious substitution of Christ for the Christian.

"The question is not can we heal others? The question, the only question is, will we let the healing power of the risen Jesus flow through us to reach and touch others, so that they may dream and fight and bear and run?"

~Guess who?

Brennan Manning =)

wild.

I got in trouble this week... with my professor, of all things! Technically, we are allowed to miss two classes, but we are not really supposed to miss any. Well, I had a couple of days off last week, so I made the decision to miss a class in order to visit my sister in Arkansas. It wasn't an easy decision to make... I KNOW how important class is... but I decided that my sister is more important.

Of all things... this weeek's class focused on our mid-semester evaluations. When my turn came to be evaluated, I went into the room anxious to hear my professor's feedback about how I'm doing with my counseling skills. The feedback I received had more to do with my missing class than anything else. My professor was very kind to me and it really shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but I guess it was to me... because I found myself sitting in his office with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I've always been the "good girl..." the student with perfect attendance. If there's been a way in life to avoid getting into trouble and to ensure getting people's approval, I've usually taken it. This has left me with more of a restricted, rigid lifestyle than I would like to admit. I've been realizing something that's pretty profound too--this lifestyle robs personality. Every time I insist on squeezing into the straight jacket of having to be "good," I squish and squash the crazy life of Jesus that lives in me... because HE doesn't fit easily into any straight jackets! I'm finding that the closer that I get to Him, the more I come to hate the restriction that comes with having to be "good." He makes me want to be crazy, goofy, wild... "let go, girl," I often hear Him say.

But this is all new to me. The straight jacket is KNOWN. Wildness is not. In a strange way, the straight jacket feels safe. Wildness does not. Yet... these days, I'm finding myself being pulled from restriction and into wildness. So... I make the decision to miss class in order to visit my dear sister. I knew there might be consequences, but I hoped there wouldn't be.

So... I sat in my professor's office and cried... because as much as I may want to be a wild girl, I still find a lot of safety in being the good girl. And I didn't feel like the good girl on Monday night. But why was I good? Because I WANTED to be good, or because I NEEDED to be good? Shoot, if the goodness has more to do with wanting people's approval than anything else, the funny thing is that it's really NOT that good.

So... I drove home from class and found myself crying again... this time, great big sobs. I realized again that my eyes are being opened anew... and I am dying. The good girl and the people-pleaser is dying. It's a slow and painful death. I cry because it hurts to die... and I cry because I grieve the years that I traded in wildness for "goodness."

But the sobs were healing sobs too. Because in the middle of it all, there's the VOICE, the VOICE that just tells me that it's OK. It's OK... because He loves me... and NOTHING can change that--no amount of goodness or badness. He tells me that it's OK that I'm wild because He's wild. And I think I'm in for quite a ride because wildness cannot be tamed. I can no longer live a "tame" life. He tells me to embrace the wildness and to enjoy a great ride ahead. I hope I have the courage...

And all of this came out of getting in trouble with my professor for missing one class! I love how God takes small things and uses them to show us HUGE things. He's very faithful that way.

the next thing in love

"I've decided that if I had my life to live over again, I would not only climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets; I wouldn't only jettison my hot water bottle, raincoat, umbrella, parachute, and raft; I would not only go barefoot earlier in the spring and stay out later in the fall; but I would devote not more more minute to monitoring my spiritual growth. No, not one.

"'The entire process (of self-development) can be very exciting and entertaining. But the problem is there's no end to it. The fantasy is that if one heads in the right direction and just works hard enough to learn new things and grows enough and gets actualized, one will be there. None of us is quite certain exactly where there is, but it obviously has something to do with resting.' (Gerald May)

"In retrospect, my ponderous ponderings on the purgative, illuminative, and unitive stages of my spiritual life, my assiduous search for shortcuts to holiness, my preoccupation with my spiritual pulse and my fasts, mortifications, and penances have wrought pseudobliss and the egregious delusion that I was securely esconced in the seventh mansion of spiritual perfection.

"What would I actually do if I had it to do all over again? Heeding the apostle John's counsel, I would simply do the next thing in love."

~Brennan Manning

left behind luggage...

I faced a small catastrophe today. After a wonderful visit with my sister in Arkansas, we arrived at her small town airport very early this morning. My flight was set to depart at 6:20am... we arrived at 5:55am... with the assurance that this was a very small airport-- meaning that I could easily get my boarding pass, check my luggage, get through security, reach my gate-- all with no problem.

Well... not quite. We arrived to find the ticket counter dark and empty. Something didn't seem right. Finally, a woman emerged from the back and told me that we were too late to check my baggage. I learned that I had two options-- either pay $150 for a new, later flight that may or may not have a seat for me... or get on my original 6:2o flight suitcase-less. And... I had to make the choice fast because the gate for the flight was closing in 4 mins! Alarmed, I quickly made the decision to bolt to my flight and leave my suitcase with my sister in Arkansas. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a skirt out of my suitcase and I ran to security. I don't even remember if I said good-bye to my sister.

I knew I was in trouble when I tried to clear security with my backpack still on my back. The lady looked at me and politely said, "I'm sorry, miss, but your backpack must go through the scanner OFF your back." Oh my word... I apologized and gave her an embarrassed smile. Then, to add to my embarrassment, I heard my name being shouted across the airport intercom-- "Paging Bethany Reamer, paging Bethany Reamer. Your gate is about to close." I rushed to the gate to find a mildly irritated woman waiting to take my boarding pass. Again, I mumbled an apology, tried to smile, and rushed on to the plane.

Once I got on the plane (I was last, by the way!) and found my seat, I tried to catch my breath and settle my thoughts. But I couldn't. I kept remembering shirts and shoes and necklaces and earrings in that suitcase that I needed. And I remembered my kind sister left standing there with my suitcase. Did I even hug her good-bye and tell her that I love her? I couldn't remember! I hated that thought most of all.

In the midst of all of my crazy thoughts, I felt a small cry coming up from my heart--"Jesus, I need You! Be near, O God." And then comes the faint whispers of that unexplainable peace.... He was there, right with me. I could finally begin to settle down.

And then I began to see the irony of the whole thing. For most of my life, I've veered pretty close to perfectionism... tending at times to be performance driven, calculated, and liking to be right. Well, I had to smile. Because... perfectionists generally aren't late for their flights. Perfectionists certainly don't try to walk through security with their backpack still on their back. Perfectionists don't run through airports while their name is blaring across the intercom. And perfectionists don't forget to say good-bye to their sister. But I did all of those things...

Ha... so much for perfectionism! Sitting in that airplane early this morning, I breathed a big sigh of relief when I remembered Jesus and His grace. With grace, there's room to make mistakes. With grace, I can smile and humbly thank the airline employee who still let me on the flight when she didn't have to. I can laugh at myself as I sheepishly remove the backpack from my back in the security line. I can call my sister from the next airport and tell her how much I love her. With grace, I can rest easy. I do not understand it, but I am loved. Sometimes, I wonder if it's in my most knuckle-headed moments that I can most clearly see the smile of God. I think so.

I continue to learn (the hard way, sometimes!) that the pressure's off. I continue to be blindsided at times by the beauty of God's grace, and I continue to be baffled by the fact that it's now mine, even though I so do not deserve it.

Jesus, please continue to blindside your people with Your grace... even if it comes in the form of almost-missed flights, left behind luggage, and other small catastrophes. Continue to teach us how to laugh at our own goofiness and to see Your smile through it all.

i love my sis.

I went to Arkansas this week to visit my dear sister Shannon...

It was GREAT.

a hike in the Ozarks... we think?? (we weren't exactly sure we found the Ozarks) ;)

queens for the day... in the queen chair that we found in the woods

YAY for the Japanese steak house!

MANY Phillies games.

MANY trips to Starbucks =)

a LONG drive and a fun trip to Oklahoma City

we love Toby Keith... but not his food!

the silence of God

These words have been running through my head all day. They speak when I can't...

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith

It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane

When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod

And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God.

It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart

When he has to remember what broke him apart

This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not

When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God.

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob

Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got

When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross

Then what about the times when even followers get lost?

'Cause we all get lost sometimes...

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll

In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold

And He's kneeling in the garden as silent as a Stone

All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the Man of all Sorrows, he never forgot

What sorrow is carried by the hearts that He bought

So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God,

The aching may remain, but the breaking does not

The aching may remain, but the breaking does not

In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God.

~Andrew Peterson

I don't understand sudden deaths... unanswered prayers... bleeding hearts. Where is the 'sense' in it? Sometimes there just seems to be silence. But the Man of all Sorrows, He does not forget... He knows.

And one day soon... we'll have the eyes to see and the ears to hear just a little clearer... until we're face to face.

the color gray

I'm learning a lot about colors these days... mostly, gray. I sort of feel like a kid in elementary school... when the teacher holds up a colored piece of paper and says, "Class, what color is this?" Strange... I must have been absent on the day we learned about gray.

See... I guess I've wanted to live most of the time as if life were black and white. You know... this or that, one or the other. It's not so strange, really. I like to organize and categorize things and try to make sense of them. It's usually been to my benefit in life. BUT... some of life cannot be categorized and organized. Not everything is black and white.

So... lately, I've been hearing Jesus say, "Bethany, let me teach you about gray." I think He's teaching me how to live in a world that can't always be systematized or categorized or organized. What do you do when you set up great expectations that sometimes LIFE doesn't follow? What do you do with people who you want to stick in the "black" or "white" category, but you find that people, of all things, don't stay in categories well? What do you do when you find that your little, well-constructed system really doesn't work?

Oh my word... you let go. You just let go. You open your hands... because you realize that your hands really aren't as big or as powerful as you thought they were. You open your hands and you grab the hands of Jesus... you hold on for dear life. You learn to FOLLOW. You learn to TRUST. You learn to live in the gray... because you realize that your categories really aren't as great as you thought they were anyway.

By the way, when I say "you," I mean "I". =)

I think this will be a life-long lesson for me. There will always be a part of my flesh that wants everything to fit neatly into a little system. Oh... but how thankful I am that Jesus lives in me, and if I listen, I will continue to hear Him say, "Let go, Beth. I am your system. I can take care of all of the things that are SO beyond you." So... I'm learning to listen... and as I do, I wonder if I might actually start to like the color gray...

up to my eyeballs

I'm up to my eyeballs these days in schoolwork. I almost cried during my first class when I heard my professor use the words "brutal" and "extremely intense," as he described our upcoming semester. I so do NOT want the next few months of my life to consist of mostly reading textbooks and writing papers. I don't feel ready to let go of some things in life... in order to do my work well. I'm still trying to figure out balance...

Anyway... last weekend I was already drowning in my first big project of the semester. Same story this weekend as well. AAAHHH!! Well.... I found myself needing some fresh air last weekend while I was working on my project. So.... I went to the park and I started walking... and I soon realized that I had A LOT on my heart to talk to Jesus about. My tendency can be to make a mental note of the major points that need to be covered and I walk around telling Him about those points... sort of not wanting to move on until He gives me some sense of an "answer." Needless to say... those "answers" don't always come in the forms I would hope.

Last weekend was different. I was so tired... and weary from school (yes, already!!). I just wanted to BE with Him. I walked around the park... and I still had my points on my mind... but you know what?? I found that I wanted JESUS more than I wanted ANSWERS. I just enjoyed talking to Him, "Wow, Jesus, that's quite a field you made... I love how the sun makes the green grass sparkle... Did You ever see a tree look so weird before? Yeah, I guess You did..."

I'm realizing that I can TALK to Him... and that He is totally able to talk BACK. Not that I've heard His real voice much... but I do believe that I COULD. My world is being rocked by these truths. Jesus offers us Himself... I think He's in the process of moving me further out of my independence and into REST and TRUST in Him. Wow, Jesus... bring it on.

land of the free

This past weekend, I was on the other side of the airport. Usually, when I'm at the Philadelphia airport, I'm the exhausted traveler returning from an international flight, wrestling my luggage down the runway and anxiously scanning the crowd for the familiar faces of my family. But on Sunday, it was my turn to be on the "family" side of the runway, as I waited to pick up a good friend who was returning from an international flight.

Her flight was delayed, so I found myself a comfortable seat in the International Arrivals Hall and waited for her flight to land. Typically the tired traveler, I usually run through that hall as quickly as possible, find my family, and finally go home! Sunday was different. I had TIME. So I sat and read my book... but I also found myself overwhelmed by my surroundings and I had to stop just to take it all in. I love airports, but I was especially struck by this one. The International Arrivals Hall where I was sitting was built with an amazingly high vaulted ceiling that just attracts all kinds of sunlight. It was built to highlight and celebrate freedom, and you can tell. All over the walls are quotes from the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. One wall in particular is dedicated just to signatures... signatures of all of the "signers" of the Declaration of Independence. There was John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock... and a million others that I didn't know. Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness are scribbled on another of the walls. It's a sobering... and inspiring... place to be. And it's just an airport! But sitting in that huge room, surrounded by so many reminders of American heritage... I felt like I was a part of something so much greater and bigger than myself.

I found myself sitting there and talking to Jesus. Our heritage is so rich... we have so much and we've been blessed beyond measure. We are free! Not everyone in the world can say that. I realized that I take it for granted all of the time.

I need to be reminded of where we came from. I want to visit Philadelphia more often and experience the history there and continue to be inspired by the men and women who knew what they believed and stood and FOUGHT for it... even in the face of great difficulty and opposition. Hundreds of years later, I am reaping the benefits of their choices. I'm inspired by their strength and courage, and I'm thankful for the freedom we have because of it. I pray that it continues for a LONG time.

real...

i've always loved this...

"The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy up the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."

~The Velveteen Rabbit

and then He shows up!

I was complaining today. I took a small walk at lunch time and complained to God for a little while. God, where are You? I kept asking Him. I don't like complaining... I'm much more comfortable being as positive as possible. BUT... the fact of the matter was that I was NOT feeling positive today. I'm learning that it's better to be honest with God... I suppose, even if that means that I have to complain!

I returned to my office after my complaining spree and was about to make my peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch (yuck, right??), when in walks one of my co-workers. "Bethany, I made soup and I have extra. Want some?" And she gave me this delicious bowl of orzo and meatball soup for lunch. To her, it was probably a very small thing. I hope this doesn't sound silly, but to me, it was HUGE... the Voice of Jesus saying, "See, daughter. I'm here. I'm with you. I'm taking care of you. Enjoy your soup."

And then, over delicious soup, my co-worker and I had an awesome moment of sharing truth... "Blessed are those who have NOT seen and yet believe," said Jesus. Yes, I think His followers continue to learn the power of those words, as we continue to follow Him. Man, sometimes it seems to kill me when I HAVEN'T seen and yet I'm called to believe... but then, there's NOTHING like returning from a complaining session to find a hot bowl of soup waiting for you... and the smile of Heaven shining down on you.

it just gets better and better...

Whoever reads this... well, I should probably warn you that you might be barraged by Brennan Manning quotes in the next few days! I'm finishing up the last few chapters of The Importance of Being Foolish, and it's just SO GOOD. I've got to share... I can't help myself.

"To be a child of the Father, like Jesus, is really to delight in this relationship and to fully embrace this identity. It is to enjoy thoroughly and take great pride in finding myself so situated. It is to sense the extraordinary privilege that is mine through no merit of my own. It is to appreciate in a very human sense the dignity of the title bestowed on me and to walk with my head held high. It is to have the aristocratic bearing of one born to royalty. It is to envy no man anything, for my privileged position transcends all comparisons, eclipses all worldly honors and titles, and fills my cup with a joy beyond all telling.

"What is my Father like? One day He grew so apprehensive that I might fail to understand how loving and wise, gentle and powerful He is, that He sent me a complete and perfect expression of Himself in His Son Jesus. Everything my Father has, He entrusted to Jesus so that in looking at Jesus, I can see and know my Father. Let me tell you the most beautiful and thrilling thing He ever said to me I wake up to it each morning and lay there sleepy, dazed, and happy because I always hear it as for the first time. 'As the Father has loved me, so do I love you.'"

THIS is the truth that makes me free...

who we are...

"The only possible way to move out of our obsessive self-awareness and into the life of Christ is to surrender ourselves and let God be God. Such a surrender involves mining the field of our hearts and searching for this pearl of God's truth hidden deep within us: we belong to God. This precious discovery makes security, pleasure, and power look like cheap, painted fragments of glass.

"In claiming ownership of our divine status as sons and daughters of the Creator of the Universe, we gain a coherent sense of self. We lose ourselves to find ourselves. This loss paves the way for the Holy Spirit to transform our lives.

"This loving awareness of being the child of the Father moves us out of a life spent pursuing our base desires and frees us to pursue the kingdom of God. Everything we have and are forms but one self, one heart beating with the lifeblood of Jesus. "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." (Gal. 2:20). Therein lies transparency."

~Brennan Manning

Wow... amen.

...because time in the woods is a necessity

My friend Joelle and I drove to Jim Thorpe, PA last weekend to spend some time in the mountains. What a great weekend we had...

We figured out how to secure my new bike to the bike rack... and it didn't fall off... even for the whole 2 hour drive to the mountains!

Campsite 45... our home for the weekend. We set up our tent in complete darkness... and how relieved were we to find that the tent was NOT missing a pole!Biking along the Lehigh Gorge... so beautiful and so refreshing!

Taking a small detour to hike to Glen Onoko Falls... very beautiful!

And we even made our own fire at night... it might have taken us two hours to get it going and cook our dinner... but it was FUN!
We hiked some more on Sunday and found an old railroad tunnel...

And now we can't wait to go back... =)

to the forest...

The forest is calling my name and has been for a LONG time... ever since I left the Black Forest, I guess. :) My dear friend and I are leaving tomorrow night for a whole weekend of camping, biking, hiking, swimming... all of the above and maybe more. Oh... I cannot wait.

There's something about the forest and the water and the sky and the STARS... that just makes me quiet down, settle down, "center down" (a term that I learned from a new friend) and remember what it means to REST.

I can already feel it coming... I checked the weather report and there's SUN all the way. Not a drop of rain in the forecast. :) Thank you, Jesus. And I just happened to have lunch today with an old friend who just happens to be a Jim Thorpe expert... she filled me on every place to go and the best trails to find. It's gonna be great. Oh... I cannot wait.

Ha... I just remembered with a smile that we have a tent that's missing a pole, a bike rack on my car that we don't know how to use, and WAY too much food for two girls to eat... I think we might have a few adventures ahead of us. :) Oh man, it's gonna be great!

Shoot... Jesus knew that He had to get away to hear His Father's voice. Don't I know it too... LIFE so often drowns out that still, small Voice... but how I NEED to hear it. So I go to the forest to listen, to enjoy, to be still. It's a beautiful thing.

be near...

This morning, I found myself driving to work, repeating the same line out loud over and over again... "Thank you, Jesus for coffee." It was sort of subconscious... I didn't even realize what I was saying. But when I did realize, I had to smile.

Anyway, I stopped at one of my favorite Starbucks, got out of the car, and started walking up the sidewalk to go into the store. A strange thing started happening on my walk up that sidewalk... all of a sudden, small brown birds started LEAPING--literally, LEAPING--onto the sidewalk in front of me. I almost stepped on them! But they weren't afraid of my shoes or the prospect of being squashed by my shoes... they just kept jumping in front of me as I walked. That's when I realized that the grass was pretty much COVERED by these birds... but being that the grass is mostly brown these days, the birds blended in quite well. I'm not usually a fan of birds, but I have to admit that these little guys were kind of cute.

I've come out of a week that's been rather rough. I received a hole in my head at the hands of a plastic surgeon, and I still have the stitches to show for it. And I said good-bye to my mom and my dear sister, both within one week of each other. I wasn't prepared for how difficult that would be for me... or how hard I'd be hit by it.

Anyway, along with thanking God for coffee, I found myself praying this morning that He would just show up today as only He can... because honestly, I feel pretty desperate for Him. Enter the birds... practically jumping on my feet so that I can't miss them! Ha... I swear God has a sense of humor. And my thoughts drifted to Matthew 6. God seems to like to take me to those verses.

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ... For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded how aware He is of us... how well He knows our needs and our hurts and our desires. And I continue to ask Him... be near, O God. Be near.

one special girl...

I love my sister, Shannon... and I will miss her terribly. Godspeed, my sis.

life raft

It's my turn to teach Bible Study on Tuesday night. I have several pages of reflections from things that God showed me while I was in Germany... I eagerly scribbled them in my excitement to share them. Amazing TRUTH, the Voice of God speaking in my own ears. What blessed times.

The tough thing is that I can't hear Him in the same way right now. The reflections that I wrote down are TRUE... but honestly, they don't FEEL true right now. I sort of just want to return to my old German balcony and SIT there... my ears didn't seem so stopped up there. I was able to LISTEN and I HEARD. I want to go back. I don't want to sit here and not hear. This is a familiar phenomenon that happens every August when I return from Germany. I just miss those sweet times.

Does Jesus change? Of course not. Why does it seem like He does? Maybe I'm the one who changes. Something happens to me when I get on that airplane and fly across the Ocean and land on foreign soil. The "stuff" that normally holds me back just seems to fall away... and I feel more free. And then I get back in that plane and return to this side of the Ocean... and the stuff somehow re-appears again.

Sometimes I wish I had a mirror that would only reflect to me the way that God sees me. Oh man... I remember what HE says... He has clothed me in garments of righteousness; He has planted me like a tree by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither; He has made me His very own planting for the display of His splendor; He delights in me as He sings His songs over me; He considers me His friend and wants to share His thoughts and plans with me; He has chosen me to be His own daughter and seated me right next to Jesus at His table.

Shoot. Thank God for truth! We all have those moments when we start to sink into the mess of wrong thinking. How I need eyes that see and ears that hear... how I need TRUTH. How thankful I am for the truth that has already infiltrated my heart... that when I start to sink, it's not long before the life raft is thrown to save me... if I choose to jump on and be saved.

Let me not be surprised by the mess that is still in me, when I so wish it wasn't. May the mess continue to remind me of my need for a Savior... and may my need draw me to gratitude that I HAVE a Savior. He came for people just like me... who can't do this "life" thing on their own... who LONG for His voice. And it will just make me all the more grateful for the precious moments when I HEAR His voice again.

a lesson in suitcase-packing

I learned a lot about suitcase-packing yesterday. ;) I flew to Germany about 6 weeks ago on a major airline, on a "humanitarian ticket," which allows me to travel with 3 suitcases at no extra charge. I used all of the 3 suitcases allotted to me--two for my own personal use and one for the University "stuff" that I brought with me. Three suitcases! Impossible to run out of space, right? Ha.

Well, unfortunately, I had booked my flight to Lisbon on a different, much smaller airline, which makes you pay for any checked luggage that you bring. I had the forethought though to pay for the suitcases ahead of time, when I booked my ticket months ago. I thought I was all set, as I paid for my suitcases at 23 kilos each. Imagine my horror when I found out that with this particular airline, it doesn't matter how MANY suitcases you pay for... you're still only allowed 23 kilos TOTAL. So, I could pay for 10 suitcases, but still only be allowed 23 kilos TOTAL. Not good... especially knowing that I have enough stuff to reach 23 kilos in EACH suitcase. What was I going to do? I started to freak out... but God is good.

The professor from last week was kind and took one of my very FULL suitcases home with him a few days ago. Yay! BUT... I still had 2 suitcases remaining and I still had to figure out how to get them together below the 23 kilo weight limit. I packed as best I could and went to the airport yesterday morning, in faith that I would be OK. Not really! I got to the airport and the kind airline employee weighed my suitcases and apologized as he told me, "I'm sorry, Miss, but you are 8 kilos over."

Oh no! What do I do? Paying for extra kilos is out of the question with this particular airline because it is SO expensive. I could book myself an extra plane ticket for the amount that they charge for extra kilos. So... my friend and I went through my bags-- thing by thing-- and threw away all items that weren't completely necessary. We then rearranged the bags to come up with the lowest weight combination possible. We weighed the suitcases again... I was still over by 4 kilos!

The only thing left to do was to do what I did not want to do... especially in the summer. My last resort was to WEAR more clothes... yes, to just keep putting on clothes until my suitcase had lost the necessary 8 kilos. It was quite a funny process. Let's just say that by the time I returned my suitcases to the guy at the ticket counter, they were the correct weight. But I looked slightly different! My outfit consisted of 2 shirts, 1 sweatshirt, 1 jacket, 2 pairs of jeans, 1 skirt, a hat, and a pair of high-heeled shoes... all worn at the same time. I think I came up with my own new style... and I actually kind of liked it!

It was quite funny. I guess it's safe to say that I learned a lot about problem-solving... where there's a will, there's always a way! I also learned about laughing at myself and learning to take myself less seriously. I'm pretty sure I looked a bit out of place, as I walked around the airport dressed for winter in the dead of summer, and I may have looked like I had gained 2oo lbs in 10 minutes... but I also had fun trying out my new style, especially knowing that my goofy outfit was saving me hundreds of dollars! =)

blumen

Germany is so cool. Every once in a while, on the side of the roads you'll find big fields with beautiful, colorful flowers and big yellow signs that say blumen. Even with my very limited German, I can figure out that the signs are advertising flowers available for the picking. It's self-serve and on the honor system... you go, pick your flowers, and deposit the money in a little metal box. They even leave little knives for you to cut the flower stalks.

Every time I drive by that field, I want to stop. It's on the way to the airport, so I pass it OFTEN! =) Well, the lady who owns this apartment LOVES flowers, and she and her husband return tomorrow. I thought it would be great if I could pick her some fresh flowers... so this afternoon my friend and I headed out to the blumen field. Oh my word... there were beautiful, bright, colorful gladiolas EVERYWHERE. I found myself just walking through the flowers, taking in the colors... just struck by the beauty of it. It was INCREDIBLY beautiful.

I was just standing there, taking it in, not even really paying attention to my own thoughts... when I realized that there was a passage of Scripture just replaying over and over again in my head--

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do no be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:28-34)

Jesus is so wise...

My agenda has gotten quite long. It's time to close up the program and leave Germany. There's a million little details for me to take care of, not to mention all of the crazy emotions that accompany saying good-bye. I love how Jesus uses the blumen field to speak right into that and tell me the truth. And tonight... I sit here staring at the gladiolas in a vase in the middle of a coffee table and I remember... He's God and He's shown me a million times that He loves me. That's reason enough to let go and trust Him.

life from death

The lady of the house here left me in charge of her plants. Uh oh. Although I would love to be a gardener someday, at this point in my life, I can't say that I am one. But... this lady has about a million plants that she LOVES in her house and she left me to take care of them. There's responsibility for you... ;)

Anyway... there's 4 little potted flowers in the bathroom, and all of them are doing fine... except for the purple one. It's dying. I don't know why... because I water it just as much as the others. Funny thing... the lady here left me a message and instructed me that when a flower dies, I should pull its head off. Huh? So... I noticed that the purple flower was dying, and after some hesitation, I pulled all of the heads off... and was sure that was the end of the little purple flower. Two days ago, I walked into the bathroom to find that the purple flower had BLOOMED again... small blooms, but they were there nevertheless, and the flower has been growing ever since. Yay, I didn't kill it!

Oh, but there's truth here. I have a good friend visiting me this week in Germany, and as I described to her some of what I've felt God doing in me during the past few weeks, she remarked, "you're dying, Bethany." I thought about that, and she's right... I am dying. There's old "stuff" in me that's been sticking around for a long time, threatening to drain the LIFE out of me. How thankful I am that Jesus is relentless in killing that old stuff, teaching me that the old me must die... forcing me to see what He's after, even while I kick and scream and don't cooperate well.

But... the amazing truth is that there's always a death before there's a resurrection. If I'm dying, it's because I'm learning to LIVE. And if the old me is going away, it's so that there's more room for the resurrected Jesus to take His rightful place in my heart and to make me more like HIM. I feel like my flower heads have been pulled off and my little purple blooms are quite small at this point... but I'm grateful. I thank Jesus that He knows me so much better than I do... and even when I don't cooperate well with Him, He still relentlessly yet patiently pursues me. I'm very grateful for what He has done for me.

World Cup FEVER!!

The sights and sounds of sweet VICTORY in Germany...

We've had a BLAST. GO DEUTSCH!!! All the way...!!

re-circling

I remember these verses... 5 years ago, I first found them (or maybe they found me!) and they were like the voice of God speaking to me. Tonight, I feel the same way. He is the Everlasting God. He has taken me places I never thought I'd go, and He's done things in my heart that are only a miracle of His grace. Tonight, I'm remembering...

"There is no one like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens to your help,

through the skies in His majesty.

The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

And He thrust out the enemy before you and said, Destroy.

So Israel lived in safety, Jacob lived alone, in a land of grain and wine,

whose heavens drop down dew.

Happy are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD,

the shield of your help, and the sword of your triumph!

Your enemies shall come fawning to you, and you shall tread upon their backs."

~Deuteronomy 33:26-29

interesting things about this place...

+

1. a great little Mercedes Benz car that beeps very LOUDLY every time you're about to run into something (the streets are VERY narrow here!)
2. beautiful, colorful flower gardens everywhere (literally, everywhere!)
3. fresh, fresh vegetables
4. when you walk out on your balcony and find your neighbor's sheep staring at you... what great company! =)
5. World Cup fever! even when you didn't plan on being a follower, you become one. =)
6. it's cold enough that people are still using woodstoves... and the smell is amazing!
7. a deep sense of quiet that helps your heart begin to be quiet too...
8. kind German neighbors who speak broken English but invite you into their home for a good, strong cup of "kaffee"
9. when your body is so jet-lagged that you forget about coffee... and then when you have some after 2 days of none, you suddenly REMEMBER the incredible-ness of European coffee! who needs Starbucks?? HA. =)
10. living in a town in a valley... surrounded by the hills of the Black Forest. There are no words.
11. church bells that STILL chime on the hour
12. when your German friend takes you on a tour of his home town and tells you that the buildings are from the 1400's... and you are blown away by the HISTORY of this place.
13. being a neighbor to Riesling wine country... =)
14. "schoko pudding und sahne"--my favorite treat. Could become the death of me!
15. when you're sitting out on the balcony and the sun starts to set... the trees and fields around you literally SPARKLE... and it's so beautiful... you can't take it in... and you wonder, is this a glimpse of eternity?

-

1. North American hair straighteners that aren't compatible with the voltage here (so for the next 6 weeks I will be curly!)
2. very expensive water means very short showers.
3. roundabouts every 2 miles means yielding every 2 miles... and if you forget to yield, you run the risk of crashing (I learned that lesson yesterday)
4. leaving summer-like weather on one continent and entering winter-like weather on another continent... and realizing that your suitcase is full of summer clothes!
5. tiny little parking spots... and having to straighten the car 16 times just so that it will fit in them!
6. knowing that the nearest Starbucks is in the next country!!

small things

Small things really aren't that small! OK, wow, I've seen Jesus' kindness in some cool, not-small ways lately.

1. Dolphins! While on vacation in Ocean City with my family over the weekend, I was taking a walk on the beach one evening. It was quiet and I was listening to music, when I decided to sit down in the sand for a moment and take in the stillness. I looked straight ahead at the ocean and thought I saw a thing thrashing around in the waves. At first, I thought someone was drowning, and I was trying to figure out what to do! Then, I realized that I what I was seeing were FINS of DOLPHINS. They started doing their jumping-thing... when they leap straight out of the water and back in! It was incredible... I've NEVER seen dolphins before in Ocean City.
2. Free gum! This might sound dumb, but to me it's not. While at the grocery store today, I almost bought Orbit gum, but I put it down at the last minute and grabbed the Stride blue kind (my favorite). I grabbed two packs... because I go through gum quickly. When I got up to the register, the kind lady said to me, "Oh, did you know that Stride is buy 2, get 1 free?" I didn't know! Then, she went and grabbed me a 3rd pack of gum... for FREE!!
3. Kind people. I leave for Germany in about 5 days... and I've already received invitations from 2 complete strangers to have dinner with them during my first few days there. I'm watching as kind brothers and sisters are reaching out to me and already providing for my first meals overseas. Sometimes I forget that God goes before us and directs our every step... but He does. Oh, He does. I'm quite flabbergasted right now as I'm reflecting on that...
   

trust...

Lately, I've been feeling the Lord directing me to these verses. I think He wants me to sit in the simple power of these words for a while...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh

and refreshment to your bones.

~Proverbs 3:5-8

blinking toe

I went to the park tonight. I was driving home from the park when I felt this THING crawling on my toes. I don't like things crawling on me... so I looked down to see what it was. I couldn't believe what I saw--my toe was BLINKING. Seriously. For a split second, I thought my cell phone had fallen on the floor or something... because my toe was blinking the way my phone does when it has a message. I was so confused... many moments of disequilibrium followed...

Toes are not supposed to blink.

My toe has never blinked before.

What could have happened to make my toe blink?

My toe looks like a cell phone but it is not a cell phone.

Am I in heaven?

Why do I still feel a thing crawling on me?

It was actually quite humorous. When all of my crazy thoughts quieted down, I reached down to my toe... and that's when I realized what was going on. A lightning bug was stuck between two of my toes! Seriously, he was stuck, and he was just blinking away. Every time he blinked, so did my toe. I got him un-stuck and set him free, let him fly out the window.

And then I smiled really big and cracked up. What a funny thing.

the God who fights for me...

I love this...

I was reading the prophet Jeremiah a few weeks ago when I ran across a passage that referred to God as "the Lord Almighty." To be honest, it didn't resonate. There's something too religious about the phrase; it sounds churchy, sanctimonious. The Lawd Almiiiighty. It sounds like something your grandmother would say when you came into her kitchen covered in mud. I found myself curious about what the actual phrase means in Hebrew. Might we have lost something in the translation? So I turned to the front of the version I was using for an explanation. Here is what the editors said:

'Because for most readers today the phrases "the Lord of hosts" and "God of hosts" have little meaning, this version renders them "the Lord Almighty" and "God Almighty." These renderings convey the sense of the Hebrew, namely, "he who is sovereign over all of the 'hosts' (powers) in heaven and on earth, especially over the 'hosts' (armies of Israel)."'

No, they don't. They don't even come close. The Hebrew means "the God of angel armies," "the God of the armies who fight for His people." The God who is at war. Does "Lord Almighty" convey "the God who is at war"? Not to me, it doesn't. Not to anyone I've asked. It sounds like "the God who is up there but still in charge." Powerful, in control. The God of angel armies sounds like the one who would roll up His sleeves, take the sword and shield to break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron to rescue me.
~John Eldredge

It's beginning to mean the world to me that my God is the One who summons His armies to fight for ME and rescue ME. This is all happening beyond the world that I can see, of course, but it encourages my heart so much to know that I am not supposed to fight for myself or come to my own rescue... there is already a very big Someone doing that on my behalf. I think I'm learning how to open my hands and let Him do the fighting... He seems to really want to do that.

explorers

I learned yesterday that my friend Karis loves exploring just as much as I do. Turns out that she has been searching for the old Mt. Holly altar for quite a while, and how excited was I to tell her that I FOUND it... and quite accidentally! So yesterday, we went on an expedition in Mt. Holly-- first to the Mt. Holly cemetery, next, to the altar, and lastly, to the old shed where an ancient witch is said to still live (we didn't see her!). =)

Here are a few pics from the adventure. (All pics are taken by Karis O., who is becoming QUITE a good young photographer!)

Brennan Manning marathon

I made a deal with myself when I finished last semester that this summer, I would read as many Brennan Manning books as I could. Well... I finished my first one tonight! Actually, I'm pretty sure that the book I just finished is his most recent one-- patched together: a story of my story. Man, he offers such an amazing perspective on who God really IS. I found myself sitting here in wonder, thinking, 'I want to know God that way...' But isn't Brennan Manning like 85 or something? Maybe I still have some time. =) And when I remember and reflect... wow, I'm grateful for the sliver of God that I have seen in my small 28 years. I can't even imagine all that is to come.

Anyway, he ended this book with a challenge that is just... beautiful.

Go back and live out your name; live like the beloved of Abba. Some may ask you, but most others will simply observe the way you live. Some will call you crazy, some may even try to silence your voice, but some will stop and wonder. Your courage in living as Abba's beloved can give others strength to do the same. For in the end only one thing remains--Abba's love. Define yourself as one beloved by God.

I suppose that is the whole point right there. Wow...

Now, on to the next one!

PS--I remember one of my professors from college telling me, "You become what you read." Wow, I sure hope that's true... =)

Mt. Holly is a cool place

Besides having a really neat old cemetery, I discovered tonight that the "mount" of Mt. Holly is hike-able!! I found a trail last week that I decided to try tonight, and before I knew it, I found myself--seriously--walking on a dirt path in the woods up a small hill, pretty much in my own neighborhood. If I closed my eyes, I could have imagined that I was in Maine... or even in the Alps! ...except that within about 2 1/2 minutes, I had already reached the "top"... =)

Cool thing though... I got up to the "top" and found this strange looking structure. At first, I couldn't figure out what it was, but upon a closer look, I realized that it was an old altar with the words "holy, holy, holy" inscribed on the front. Seriously. An altar at the top of Mt. Holly. I have no idea why anyone would build an altar up there, but I am so curious! I felt like I had reached some holy place or something. Of course, I was looking for symbolism somewhere and found myself remembering...

"Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-- His good, pleasing, and perfect will." (Rom. 12:1-2)

I guess you never know where you'll run into truth... even if it comes in the form of a strange old altar...

the bigger picture

"We have no equivalent now for a Purple Heart of spiritual warfare, but we will. One of the noblest moments that await us will come at the wedding feast of the Lamb. Our Lord will rise and begin to call those forward who were wounded in battle for His Name's sake and they will be honored, their courage rewarded."
~John Eldredge


Thank you, Jesus, for the bigger picture and for the promise of all that is to come...

enjoy the fajita

"When you get to heaven, Little Friend, Abba will not ask you how many prayers you said or how many souls you saved. No, He'll ask, 'Did you enjoy the fajita?'

"He wants you to live with passion, in the beauty of the moment, accepting and enjoying His gifts."

~Brennan Manning

just a few highlights

Today, I am thankful for Starbucks, country music, Google, pearls, my sister, and Jesus... not in that order.

Starbucks... I think I've been LIVING on it yesterday and today! I drove back and forth by myself to a wedding 3 hours away all in 24-hours time. The words "extra coffee caramel frappucino" became music my ears. When you've got a lot of driving to do, Starbucks is your friend. Of course, I will now have to lower my quota for the next week in order to make up for my excess in the past 2 days. =)

Country music... Well, one of my favorite moments had to be singing a Brad Paisley song at a small-town Karaoke night last night. I wasn't so good... But then my sister and I rocked out to Big & Rich today... very fun. And Big & Rich also accompanied me on my long drive home. Their music is just so FUN.

Google... where would I be without Google maps? Never failed me once...

Pearls... it continues to amaze me what pearls can do for any outfit. I just love them.

My sister... We now have the memory of staying at a very "special" small town inn together. Weird inn, karoake, Raven & Angelique, Starbucks, Big & Rich, razor, dancing... only she will appreciate these things as much as me!

Jesus... I love that He can "take" me, all of me. I sort of had a yelling session--told Him everything I was thinking sort of LOUDLY--while I was driving tonight. It's weird for me to admit that... but I'm reading through the Psalms now and realizing that He's heard lots of yelling before He heard it from me. And the crazy thing is that it doesn't seem to bother Him. And I'm learning to conclude, as so many of the Psalmists concluded, "I trust in Your unfailing love..." I have NO idea where my life would be without Him.