knowing him

There have been moments in my life when I felt that I had a pretty good sense of what God was up to in my heart... I could see the movement of His hand clearly, understand the message He was trying to communicate to me, trace the work of healing that He seemed to be working in me. In those times, I walked with Him with a confidence that we were on the same page, working toward the same end. I felt like I knew where we were going... I could see the finish line ahead. It made the journey seem an easier and SAFER one.

Then... there's other times when the waters seem a bit more muddied... when I'm aware that God is up to SOMETHING... but I struggle for the life of me to trace out or articulate what that might be. I try to hold on to His hand even though I can't see it. And I fight the war inside of me that doubts that He really IS up to something good after all... or have I been mistaken all along? It's a very scary and unsettling place to be--trying to believe when you can't see... to be putting your HEART in the hands of Someone that you can only see as through a glass darkly (I Cor. 13)... when your head KNOWS that He can be trusted, but your heart, after being broken a few times, is afraid to REALLY believe it.

I find myself these days in the latter season, rather than the former. The reality is that some days I feel like I'm clinging to a tiny shred of faith, while other days I'm floundering around, not really sure WHAT I'm clinging to. And then there's the guilt that inevitably follows (I hate guilt... I can't wait til that one gets thrown into the lake of fire.)--it says, "You've been a Christian for 23 years. How can you BE so distrusting? People who really walk with Jesus trust Him."

Well, I think I have a question. HOW did these people learn to trust? Seriously... HOW? Guess what... it probably didn't come naturally to them. I'm wondering (and hoping) that it came through times like I'm describing now... when you can't see but you still choose to believe. When your heart hurts and your every inclination is to take cover and hide, but somehow, you still hold your heart out to Him anyway, LONGING to believe that He's trustworthy.

I have to believe that it's in moments like these--when you're at the bottom but you somehow still choose to look up--that He comes through in the most special and most unique of ways. Maybe these are the times when He shines the brightest... when He touches our hearts in the most personal ways... when we get to know and experience His real heart towards us that we just wouldn't otherwise.

Is this the road of faith? I think so. I don't know why it is so hard sometimes... except that I remember that Jesus said that it's a narrow way and few find it. But I'm finding rest in remembering that there is a PRIZE--and it's Jesus Christ Himself. We can KNOW HIM... in this world, while we're in these bodies. The hard part is that the cost seems to be a measure of suffering likened to His suffering... but the reward is KNOWING HIM. And as we know Him, we find ourselves being transformed from one degree of glory to another... that's a beautiful thing.

"that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11)

"and we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another, for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." (II Cor. 3:18)

Dear friends... this Christmas, may He lead us to Himself.