It has been a long time since I have written a blog post.  Not since I have wanted to write a blog post... but since I have actually sat down and written one... and then published it.

Welcome to my whirlwind.  Gosh, I've been reflecting over the past two years... and I see a curvy road with quite a few signposts along the way.  New church (campus)... new job... new boyfriend, then fiance, then husband... new home across the river... new marriage... new friends.

2014 so far has held many tiny changes that have amounted to big changes in my life.  I have sat down many times to write... but have found it difficult to slow my heart enough to pull thoughts from it.  How do you slow a heart so filled with feelings, emotions, impressions, expressions?  I move slow when it comes to change - I take it in, chew on it, mull for a while... I want to move fast, but I find that change just takes time... and a lot of trust and grace as I learn to absorb.

But I want to write again... sink down deep to the center of my soul and write about what is there.

One line has been playing over and over in my head...

we are not as strong as we think we are.

This is what I am learning as I transition.  I feel so urged to take my new life by the horns, master it, and race forward full steam ahead.  Yet, I often feel like I am standing on my tip-toes, still surveying a new landscape and figuring out my way.  My muscles feel small at times when I thought I would emerge big and strong.

oh... I am not as strong as I think I am.

I re-surface to embrace this blessed truth. I am 'frail, fearfully and wonderfully made,' and I am God's.  And He is big so I think that means that I do not have to be.  I learn the blessedness that He becomes greater and I become less... and this does not threaten me.  I think it is meant to free me.

I've been watching the new Rich Mullins movie this week (over and over!) and I think this was his journey too.  Maybe all of ours?  If we let it?  Here's how he said it...

the conclusion of the matter for me was that I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all-sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistic illusion of moral excellence.  not that I don't want to be morally excellent but my faith isn't in the idea that I am more moral than anyone else... my faith is in the idea that God and His love are greater than whatever sins any of us commit.

Maybe we are all learning this together... 

giving thanks

I dug through my extra-large purse the other day and found a tattered little book in the bottom that I had forgotten about.  It was a little notebook with one page of writing - back in September, I had dedicated that book as my "book of thanks."  I took a page and began listing the big and little things in my life that stand out to me as blessed reminders that God is here, with me, now. Life filled up and I forgot about that little book... until the other day when I found it again.

I only work part-time now but somehow, life has filled up again.  And in the full, I find myself running faster and my heart struggles to sit still and remember.  Oh how I forget.  But tonight - tonight, I dedicated as quiet time.  And I sit at the corner table at Starbucks and I remember.  Oh how I remember.  So here's what I wrote then and here's what I'm remembering now.  May I continue to add to it.  And blessed Jesus, may I remember You and worship.

i will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, i will remember your wonders of old. i will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. your way, o God, is holy. what god is great like our God? you are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. you with your arm redeemed your people.  ~Psalm 77

1. a faithful pastor who preaches the Word openly and truthfully every Sunday.  I miss it when I'm not there.
2. a kind, good-hearted boyfriend who wakes me up each morning with a text message and blessing on my day... and who chose to change churches so we could be together on Sundays... and who prays with me with an open heart.
3. my curly hair - I really have come to love it! and the hair-cut place that cuts my bangs for free.
4. my kind and loving nana who washes my clothes (when I do not ask her to!) and is mending my torn skirt.
5. Henri Nouwen's words of kindness and truth.
6. a new friend who sends me an e-mail of encouragement at just the right time.
7. Saturdays! to get my life in order.
8. my faithful old car - 138,000 miles strong!
9. the unconditional invitation of Jesus that is not dependent upon me - "come to me and I will give you rest..." 
10. my mom who calls me three days in a row to try to catch up with me because she loves me that much.
11. when I haven't been a faithful Bible-reader and my soul misses it so much, that I open my Bible and it feels like an old friend.
12. TWO days off in a row!!
13. when I'm in a really bad mood and having a really bad day and Ben says, "let's decorate for Christmas early." And somehow in the lights and the music and the little tree and the nog and his bear hugs, I feel happy again.
14. the grande peppermint mocha that the kind lady at Starbucks gave to me for free!
15. that there really is no rule that says you have to wait until Thanksgiving to listen to Christmas music... because it sure has blessed my soul today!

the good part of it

Ben called me last weekend while I was visiting my brother Sam in his home state of Virginia.  I realized it was September 22nd - exactly one month since Ben had asked me to be his girlfriend.  We talked that night for long time, me in Virginia and him in Pennsylvania... it was wonderful.  He dug through his old files and found a card that I had written to him six years ago when he was first diagnosed with diabetes.  He read it to me and it brought tears to my eyes.

I remember my wise uncle saying to me back then, "leave him with a blessing and you can never know what might happen in the future."  I didn't really believe him back then but here we are - six years later and that man that I admired so long ago is my boyfriend.  Today we sat together at the Sage Diner and marveled at it again - we have no clue how we got to this place except that God has been at work in some big, mysterious ways.  Tonight, all I can do is raise my hands and my heart up in the air and thank Him.

Full circle.  That's what I call it when He takes something that once was hard and brings redemption, restoration - beauty from ashes, gladness from mourning.  When I let Ben go six years ago, I really let him go.  Six years later, he came back... and now, here I am in relationship with someone who already is so special to me. What an adventure.  Today, I stared at that man across the booth from me - the one who holds my hands and comforts me so well just by the way he looks at me.  I do not understand how God works, but I am very, very grateful.  

I began this summer with visions of adventures in a new job at a new church and as a fledgling counselor.  God, in His wisdom and sovereignty, directed me to postpone that fledgling counselor bit for a few months.  And I continue to learn how to be a boss at a new job in a new church.  And now, I also find myself in an entirely new adventure - a relationship.  I didn't see it coming, but God certainly did.  And what an adventure it is.  You know, it's really true that He is the Writer of our stories.  So I buckle down, and I hold on, and I look forward with excitement to how the story will continue to be told.  When you have such a Writer, you really can never know what's next... and that's the good part of it.

same

Six years ago, we met at a party...  a spontaneous party that my sister threw at my apartment.  In the midst of all of the hub-bub and all of the friends, we somehow found each other and we sat down and we talked.  It wasn't long before we realized that we loved the same places and the same mountains and the same animals and even some of the same books!  How fun it was to find so much "same."

Six years later, you showed up so unexpectedly.  You asked me to meet you for coffee and we did.  And again, we loved the same places and the same mountains and the same animals and the same books!  We told stories and we laughed and we talked.  Again, so much "same"... so much fun.

But this time was different... because there was a different kind of "same."  Six years later, it seems that somehow, we've come to know the same God.  Our paths have been different but our journeys so much the same.  I listen to you and I think to myself, "I get it."

So I thank you, my friend, for showing up now, as you have, and for letting me experience more of this "same."  You are like a breath of fresh, clean air, a reminder to me that stories continue to be told and pages can turn suddenly... and what you find on the next page can be even better than the page before.  I think that's my favorite part.

being a baby

I've been spending time with a baby this week.  I absolutely love it...

Meet Sammy... My first and only nephew.  I love this little guy.  Sammy and my sister Shannon will fly home to Arkansas early tomorrow morning, so I got to take care of Sammy and put him to sleep tonight so that my sister could get a good night's sleep.  I loved it.

Getting this baby to sleep took hours.  I gave him his bottle, rocked him, sang to him, told him about Jesus, and he just laid there and waved his chubby little arms around - and SMILED at me.  I would put his binky in his mouth and he would smile at me... and his binky would fall out.  Round and round we went.  So many smiles... it was beautiful.  I cooed at him and told him that I loved his smile and his pretty eyes - but would he please try to close them and go to sleep?  I put him in his chair and rocked him some more... and then he SLEPT.  And he is STILL SLEEPING.  I feel like I did a wonderful thing tonight. =)

In between all of the rocking and smiling and singing, I think Sammy and Jesus and me had a moment together.  I looked at Sammy and suddenly, I saw myself through Jesus' eyes.  And I began to wonder...

Are we like babies to God?  Does He think of me as His baby?
The care that I put in to the past few hours with Sammy - does God care for me like that?  So personally, so intimately, so joyfully?
Does He delight in me that way that I delight in Sammy?  Is my smile HUGE to Him?  Would He be happy to sit with me for hours, just to be with me?  Do I really mean THAT much to Him?  Wow...
Maybe He wants to sing to me and tell me stories... messages from Him that only I can know.  How beautiful... how magnificent.

I remember my precious little nephew Sammy and I know in my soul that I must be even more precious to Him than Sammy is to me and my family.  Oh the depth of relationship that must be available to us with this God.  I have struggled to really know Him as a Father, but I so long to go deeper with Him in that relationship.

May I learn to be a child.  Maybe Sammy will continue to teach me about that...  =) May I know the depths of what it means to be a child of this God.  What a treasure that is.

gift on a doorstep

A gift arrived on my doorstep this week... an unexpected, beautiful gift.  Given my story and the places where these shoes have walked, the gift was about as close to perfect as you could get.  I could almost see the Maker of this girl and the Giver of this gift smiling from his one big ear to the other.

So I sat with this gift... all week I sat with it.  And I talked with the Giver, "is this really for me?  really?"  And the Giver just opened His big arms - "enjoy, beth."  And I have...

Sometimes, on this side of eternity, it surprises me that a heart can feel so full, after having felt so empty.  I guess that's part of our experience here - full and empty, sometimes coming almost side by side.  But lately, it's been full, a blessed full.  And I have enjoyed it.

But it's strange - along with such fullness comes a nagging sense of NOT-fullness.  A gift so perfect, but yet, a sense that it's just NOT.  Perfection that does not exist here, in this world.

And I don't like that.  I want to know fullness... complete fullness, with NO empty.  I want wholeness, completeness, fullness of joy.  I want NOW the things that were promised to me for THEN.  How I want to hold these things now... how I wish I could see His face now.

But I can't.  And here's what He's been telling me about that this week.  This ache, this groaning, is really a promise.  It's His promise to me.  The fullness is coming.  He is coming.  One day, He will scoop me up in His big arms... I imagine that we'll dance and I'll dance well... and there will be nothing - nothing - to get in the way.  No separation.  Absolute fullness.  Fullness of joy.  Wholeness of life.  Completeness of everything as it was always meant to be.  How I long for that day... I can feel my heart jump in me at the thought of it.  I know I was meant for it.

Then.  I was meant for it - THEN.  Not now.  I have not been promised fullness now.  I was promised beauty, life, good gifts, oodles of love - but I was never promised fullness, perfection.  It is just not here - not yet.

Not yet.  What a strange relief this is to me.  No need to try to force fullness now - because it is coming.  He is coming.  He is coming for me.  And in the meantime, I groan and I wait - I wait with a blessed ache that knows with full assurance WHO I am waiting for.  I don't wait for an unknown thing - no.  I wait for Someone that I do know - as through a glass darkly, I know Him.  And I wait with Hope because when He comes, I will know Him fully, as He is, even as I am fully known.  Blessed waiting, blessed God who sustains this waiting girl with His own presence and the gifts that He leaves on this doorstep along the way.  

we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.  and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved... 

~romans 8

you have been sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of His glory.

~ephesians 1

summer testimony

I can tell that my life is in a shift now... a painful shift but a beautiful, essential shift.  Call it shifting from duty to desire, schedule to soul, obligation to offering - I don't know what to call it!  But I look back... and oh my word, the past three years have been hard.  Working full time, school full time, ministry, counseling, friends, family - life has been good and FULL.  I'm afraid that I was in danger of losing myself - the part of me that is most precious, the connection to Jesus - in all of the busyness, pressure, and hub-bub.

So I quit my full time job and I start a part time job, and I begin to prepare myself for the next thing - my first counselor's "job" (well, it's an internship, but you know what I mean!).  In the midst of transitioning to working part time at a church and anticipating counseling, I find myself staring straight into my own heart... and maybe because life is quieter now, I can't escape my own heart.

For anyone who has spent time getting to know themselves, you know that it's good and it's bad... kind of beautiful and painful at the same time.  Except I think the bad usually comes first, then the good... the pain, then the beauty.   But anyway, here I am looking at my own heart, and I find in there a need that I can't explain in any word other than - precious.  Here's what I'm finding - it doesn't matter how much you know, how much reflecting you've done by a counselor's standards, how good your leadership skills may be, how much grace you can give in the moments when it's needed most - those things are not life in and of themselves. And even though I've grown by leaps and bounds in those areas in the past three years, as I look at my heart today, I find myself in much the same place I've always been  --  I am a child in desperate need of the love of her Father.


Maybe in my naivete or intensive counselor training, I thought "strength" would mean increasing independence.  But it hasn't... strength has meant increased dependence.  It's that beautiful, vulnerable place of knowing that the task in front of you has been crafted especially for you and walking forward with joy and anticipation... but knowing through and through, that you cannot do it on your own.  It's staring the task full in the face, falling on your knees, raising your hands up to heaven, and then walking forward.  It's knowing that if you stand, you'll be standing on Grace, but if you fall, you'll be caught by that same Grace.

So as I look in my own heart, I see even more of the need for increased relationship with my Father.  And I'm coming to understand that this is the greatest gift ever - to become aware of my own need and to be empowered to be willing to live in it... to open my hands, open my mouth and let Him fill me in whatever way He chooses.

So I learn not to be afraid of the 'bigness' of what is ahead of me... but to see it, feel it, let it impact me, and let it take me straight to Jesus and His cross.  May I become more like Him, may my life be more like His.