wild.

I got in trouble this week... with my professor, of all things! Technically, we are allowed to miss two classes, but we are not really supposed to miss any. Well, I had a couple of days off last week, so I made the decision to miss a class in order to visit my sister in Arkansas. It wasn't an easy decision to make... I KNOW how important class is... but I decided that my sister is more important.

Of all things... this weeek's class focused on our mid-semester evaluations. When my turn came to be evaluated, I went into the room anxious to hear my professor's feedback about how I'm doing with my counseling skills. The feedback I received had more to do with my missing class than anything else. My professor was very kind to me and it really shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but I guess it was to me... because I found myself sitting in his office with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I've always been the "good girl..." the student with perfect attendance. If there's been a way in life to avoid getting into trouble and to ensure getting people's approval, I've usually taken it. This has left me with more of a restricted, rigid lifestyle than I would like to admit. I've been realizing something that's pretty profound too--this lifestyle robs personality. Every time I insist on squeezing into the straight jacket of having to be "good," I squish and squash the crazy life of Jesus that lives in me... because HE doesn't fit easily into any straight jackets! I'm finding that the closer that I get to Him, the more I come to hate the restriction that comes with having to be "good." He makes me want to be crazy, goofy, wild... "let go, girl," I often hear Him say.

But this is all new to me. The straight jacket is KNOWN. Wildness is not. In a strange way, the straight jacket feels safe. Wildness does not. Yet... these days, I'm finding myself being pulled from restriction and into wildness. So... I make the decision to miss class in order to visit my dear sister. I knew there might be consequences, but I hoped there wouldn't be.

So... I sat in my professor's office and cried... because as much as I may want to be a wild girl, I still find a lot of safety in being the good girl. And I didn't feel like the good girl on Monday night. But why was I good? Because I WANTED to be good, or because I NEEDED to be good? Shoot, if the goodness has more to do with wanting people's approval than anything else, the funny thing is that it's really NOT that good.

So... I drove home from class and found myself crying again... this time, great big sobs. I realized again that my eyes are being opened anew... and I am dying. The good girl and the people-pleaser is dying. It's a slow and painful death. I cry because it hurts to die... and I cry because I grieve the years that I traded in wildness for "goodness."

But the sobs were healing sobs too. Because in the middle of it all, there's the VOICE, the VOICE that just tells me that it's OK. It's OK... because He loves me... and NOTHING can change that--no amount of goodness or badness. He tells me that it's OK that I'm wild because He's wild. And I think I'm in for quite a ride because wildness cannot be tamed. I can no longer live a "tame" life. He tells me to embrace the wildness and to enjoy a great ride ahead. I hope I have the courage...

And all of this came out of getting in trouble with my professor for missing one class! I love how God takes small things and uses them to show us HUGE things. He's very faithful that way.