startled by grace

i can't sleep tonight... i'm itching to write. i've come to value setting aside time to "reflect..."and i've sat down several times to try to write about my reflections, and i've found that i just don't have the words. i'm pretty sure i still don't. ...but of course i will try! ;)

sometimes, life tricks us into thinking that we're much bigger than we really are. we can make plans--good plans--and we decide what our role is going to be in our plans, and we set our nose to that old grindstone and determine to make our plans come to pass. i know i can develop over time a good case of "tunnel vision"--where i can see life from one, sort of slanted perspective, but that one perspective, i can see VERY well.

it seems futile, actually... because tunnel vision ends up making my world a much smaller place than the bigger, open space that i really want it to be. and i can end up quite frustrated when the little world of my own making takes a course other than the one i planned for it. LIFE has a way of doing that!

but when it does... i'm learning that's when Jesus and His grace are so very startling. i'm reminded once again that no matter how hard i try or how much brain-power i muster, i cannot live this life on my own. i just can't. but i am reminded that i am not judged for my lack of strength... no, i am not. rather, i am picked up right where i am, and i am placed on my Father's big lap. and He turns me around and looks straight in my eyes... and i see no judgment there. i see love. and perfect love casts out fear.

so i learn once again the refreshing and paradoxical truth that failures--rather than driving me away from the Lord--only bring me closer to Him. that He is close to the brokenhearted... that He is attracted to weakness... that He delights in picking up His little girl and sitting her on His great big lap.

...and in those moments, the truth and power of grace wash me away in a really big stream that i just want to drown in forever.

wonderful truth

"So long as we imagine that it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about; He is looking for us. And so we can afford to recognize that very often we are not looking for God; far from it, we are in full flight from Him, in high rebellion against Him. And He knows that and has taken it into account. He has followed us into our own darkness; there where we thought finally to escape Him, we run straight into His arms. So we do not have to erect a false piety for ourselves, to give us the hope of salvation. Our hope is in His determination to save us, and He will not give in."

~Simon Tugwell, Prayer

how thankful i am for that...

great art

"Sometimes, you know, you try to pray, try to impress God with all the right words... and I just don't think it's all that easy to impress God Almighty. Here's the thing that I think we often forget--that we don't have to impress Him. He's already knocked out about you. He already loves you more than you can imagine.

"I remember reading a thing that Picasso once said. I like to read what famous artists have to say because I can barely look at their paintings without going into a coma, trying to figure out what it's about. But he said this one thing that I really did like... he said, 'Good taste is the enemy of great art,' which I think is very, very true. Good taste has all to do with being cultured and being refined. If art has to do with anything, it has to do with being human. And one of the reasons that I love the Bible is because the humans in the Bible are not very refined. They're pretty goofy, if you want to know the whole truth about it.

"And I remember when I was a kid, people would always say to me... because I was one of those typical, depressed, adolescent types. I wrote poetry and stuff! That's how morose I was as a kid. People would go around saying, 'Oh cheer up, man because God loves you.' And I would say, 'Big deal! God loves everybody. That don't make me special. That just proves that God ain't got no taste.'

"And I don't think He does. Thank God... because He takes the junk of our lives and He makes the greatest art in the world of it. And if He was cultured, if he was as civilized as most Christian people wish that He was, you'd be useless to Christianity. But God is a wild man, and I hope that in the course of your life, you encounter Him. But let me warn you... you need to hang on for dear life... or let go for dear life."

~Rich Mullins

mystery of mercy

i am the woman at the well, i am the harlot

i am the scattered seed that fell along the path

i am the son who ran away, i am the bitter son who stayed

my God, my God, why has Thou accepted me?

you took my sin and wrapped me in your robe and your ring

my God, my God, why has Thou accepted me?

it's a mystery of mercy and the song i sing!

i am the angry man who came to stone the lover

i am the woman there ashamed before the crowd

i am the leper who gave thanks, i am the nine who never came

my God, my God, oh why has Thou accepted me?

you took my sin and wrapped me in your robe and your ring

my God, my God, why has Thou accepted me?

it's a mystery of mercy and the song i sing!

you are the bringer of the moon and all the seasons

you are the singer of the tune that calls the stars

my God, my God, oh why has Thou accepted me

when all my love was vinegar to a thirsty king?

my God, my God, why has Thou accepted me?

it's a mystery of mercy and the song i sing!

~Andrew Peterson

gratitude

I always knew that someday I would like this song. I've always been drawn to it because of its beautiful music and profound lyrics. But something about the message of it was just a little too powerful, a little too TRUE for me. I knew that if I really bought into it, my life would change... and I didn't think I was really ready for that yet.

So today... the song came to my mind out of nowhere... and I found it and listened to it... and was deeply moved by it. It's wonderful and terrifying at the same time... because this message means that I MUST change... that I AM changing -- a beautiful thing but a very terrifying thing. It sounds trite to say that I'm learning to be content in all circumstances... it's more like I'm being led to a place of desiring to embrace ANY circumstance if it will bring me to a place of knowing Jesus more deeply.

...I'm sorta scared to say this because I'm afraid of what it might mean... but if the choice is either control or Jesus... well, shoot... I think I really want Jesus...

coming out to play

Sometimes old habits die hard... and it's a good thing. I have a favorite old habit... before I went back to school and turned into a crazy person, I had a special Saturday morning routine-- I would sleep in, roll out of bed, throw on my clothes, go to Dunkin Donuts and buy a donut and coffee, and then just DRIVE. I would drive and drive and drive... and I never knew where I was going... and that was the part that I loved most. A couple of times I ended up at the shore and had no idea how I got there. Once, I discovered a lake and felt like a real explorer. I remember driving through Fort Dix a few times too... and I don't think you're really ALLOWED to do that... but somehow I did. I even remember driving through very scary woods and coming upon a prison... that was still in use. I turned my car around really fast!

I used to love those times... I'm a pretty deep thinker and I sort of wither if I don't get my thoughts OUT. So I would drive... and somehow the open, unknown roads would pull my thoughts to the surface and I would talk about them with Jesus. And it was just so FUN. The more unknown the road, the better. I just loved it, and somehow, I never got lost.

Well... last night, my plans fell through and I found myself with nothing to do... so I stopped to get a sandwich and a soda (since it was night time) and I just started driving. There was a part of the county just north of us that I'd been wanting to explore... so I drove around and around in it. Only this time I cheated... I had my GPS and I made SURE that I did not get lost!

Those were good times, and I realized how much I've been missing those good times in this currently full schedule that I've been keeping. There's too much RICHNESS and too much GOD in life to just run from one thing to the next... without taking the time to open up, savor, and experience LIFE and GOD in the moment. I am speaking from old experience... because I used to know this far better than I do now. It reminds me of something that Brennan Manning said, "When you get to heaven, Abba will not ask you how much work you did or what grades you got. Nope. He'll say, 'Did you enjoy the fajita that I left for you?'" I'm quite sure that God leaves little fajitas for me in unexpected places every day... and I want to see them.

Brennan Manning talks about another encounter that he had with Jesus, when he was apologizing and beating himself up for his mistakes and failings... and in the middle of his recitation, Jesus interrupted him and said, "Stop that. Come on out and play." I love that... and I love how it calls me to let go of the millions of things that are outside of my control... to find and eat the fajitas that are offered to me... and to run outside and play.

And if I start to forget, well, I can always jump in my car, drive to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee and my donut, and start driving around to remember. And I can always ask Jesus... I think that when it comes to running outside and playing, He knows how to do it best.

wups...

i tried to change one small thing... and the next thing i knew, i changed the whole look of the blog. it was completely unintentional and i tried to get the old blog back... but apparently, i do not know what i'm doing! anyway... changes are not bad. enjoy! =)