startled by grace

i can't sleep tonight... i'm itching to write. i've come to value setting aside time to "reflect..."and i've sat down several times to try to write about my reflections, and i've found that i just don't have the words. i'm pretty sure i still don't. ...but of course i will try! ;)

sometimes, life tricks us into thinking that we're much bigger than we really are. we can make plans--good plans--and we decide what our role is going to be in our plans, and we set our nose to that old grindstone and determine to make our plans come to pass. i know i can develop over time a good case of "tunnel vision"--where i can see life from one, sort of slanted perspective, but that one perspective, i can see VERY well.

it seems futile, actually... because tunnel vision ends up making my world a much smaller place than the bigger, open space that i really want it to be. and i can end up quite frustrated when the little world of my own making takes a course other than the one i planned for it. LIFE has a way of doing that!

but when it does... i'm learning that's when Jesus and His grace are so very startling. i'm reminded once again that no matter how hard i try or how much brain-power i muster, i cannot live this life on my own. i just can't. but i am reminded that i am not judged for my lack of strength... no, i am not. rather, i am picked up right where i am, and i am placed on my Father's big lap. and He turns me around and looks straight in my eyes... and i see no judgment there. i see love. and perfect love casts out fear.

so i learn once again the refreshing and paradoxical truth that failures--rather than driving me away from the Lord--only bring me closer to Him. that He is close to the brokenhearted... that He is attracted to weakness... that He delights in picking up His little girl and sitting her on His great big lap.

...and in those moments, the truth and power of grace wash me away in a really big stream that i just want to drown in forever.