continuing to learn

What a great and slightly crazy weekend. I STILL have not really slowed down. On Friday night, I watched a movie with my mom about a criminally insane man. Or was he insane? That was the whole point of the movie, and my mom and I are still debating! Saturday was the wedding of a friend... and I was one of the first ones on the dance floor, accompanied by a small 5 year old friend. What a fun time we had. We spun and spun and spun. The best was when SHE insisted on spinning ME... trying to fit tall me under her short arm! Fun. Sunday I skipped church and went skiing on a mountain with horrible icy conditions. I fell hard and hit my head twice... but I made new friends and we laughed forever about the 45 minutes that we added to our trip home just to find a Sheetz. =)

And today, I flew with my mom up to Maine. My dad picked us up at the airport and we took 4 hours to drive home, stopping several times along the way. And here I sit in the house. It's quiet. They're asleep. It's just me awake. Even the dog has gone to his bed.

Honestly, I am going into this week on edge. I have 4 days of quiet. 4 more than I've had in a long time! But I also have a 50 page paper looming over my head... which is the real reason that I'm here-- to write. But I so need rest. And I so need connection with Jesus. But I am also under a deadline. Yikes. I can feel the tension.

I wonder if grad school--in and of itself--is teaching me more about the reality of grace. I can't do everything required of me... AND keep my sanity... AND keep the life-giving, intensely close connection with Jesus that I want. There just isn't TIME. At least, for the next month there won't be. I wish I had the discipline to schedule out my life in such a way to MAKE time, but I know I don't. I've never been a "disciplined" person. So... I face the reality again that I don't have what it takes. But the crazy thing is that I am still given such gifts-- time with my parents, a 5 year old dance partner, new friends to ski with.

Maybe I still expect to be sort of punished for my lack of "getting it right." But rather, I find myself lavished with blessing upon blessing. Wow... God is not vindictive. He is good. I know this, but yet really, I am still getting to know it! And I am still learning that He is safe to rest in, to be REAL with, to let down the walls, to sit in the imperfection... to find that there is acceptance. Even whether I write 50 pages or 2... but oh shoot, I really hope I write more than 2!!

But as for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. ~Psalm 73:28