gratitude

I always knew that someday I would like this song. I've always been drawn to it because of its beautiful music and profound lyrics. But something about the message of it was just a little too powerful, a little too TRUE for me. I knew that if I really bought into it, my life would change... and I didn't think I was really ready for that yet.

So today... the song came to my mind out of nowhere... and I found it and listened to it... and was deeply moved by it. It's wonderful and terrifying at the same time... because this message means that I MUST change... that I AM changing -- a beautiful thing but a very terrifying thing. It sounds trite to say that I'm learning to be content in all circumstances... it's more like I'm being led to a place of desiring to embrace ANY circumstance if it will bring me to a place of knowing Jesus more deeply.

...I'm sorta scared to say this because I'm afraid of what it might mean... but if the choice is either control or Jesus... well, shoot... I think I really want Jesus...

coming out to play

Sometimes old habits die hard... and it's a good thing. I have a favorite old habit... before I went back to school and turned into a crazy person, I had a special Saturday morning routine-- I would sleep in, roll out of bed, throw on my clothes, go to Dunkin Donuts and buy a donut and coffee, and then just DRIVE. I would drive and drive and drive... and I never knew where I was going... and that was the part that I loved most. A couple of times I ended up at the shore and had no idea how I got there. Once, I discovered a lake and felt like a real explorer. I remember driving through Fort Dix a few times too... and I don't think you're really ALLOWED to do that... but somehow I did. I even remember driving through very scary woods and coming upon a prison... that was still in use. I turned my car around really fast!

I used to love those times... I'm a pretty deep thinker and I sort of wither if I don't get my thoughts OUT. So I would drive... and somehow the open, unknown roads would pull my thoughts to the surface and I would talk about them with Jesus. And it was just so FUN. The more unknown the road, the better. I just loved it, and somehow, I never got lost.

Well... last night, my plans fell through and I found myself with nothing to do... so I stopped to get a sandwich and a soda (since it was night time) and I just started driving. There was a part of the county just north of us that I'd been wanting to explore... so I drove around and around in it. Only this time I cheated... I had my GPS and I made SURE that I did not get lost!

Those were good times, and I realized how much I've been missing those good times in this currently full schedule that I've been keeping. There's too much RICHNESS and too much GOD in life to just run from one thing to the next... without taking the time to open up, savor, and experience LIFE and GOD in the moment. I am speaking from old experience... because I used to know this far better than I do now. It reminds me of something that Brennan Manning said, "When you get to heaven, Abba will not ask you how much work you did or what grades you got. Nope. He'll say, 'Did you enjoy the fajita that I left for you?'" I'm quite sure that God leaves little fajitas for me in unexpected places every day... and I want to see them.

Brennan Manning talks about another encounter that he had with Jesus, when he was apologizing and beating himself up for his mistakes and failings... and in the middle of his recitation, Jesus interrupted him and said, "Stop that. Come on out and play." I love that... and I love how it calls me to let go of the millions of things that are outside of my control... to find and eat the fajitas that are offered to me... and to run outside and play.

And if I start to forget, well, I can always jump in my car, drive to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee and my donut, and start driving around to remember. And I can always ask Jesus... I think that when it comes to running outside and playing, He knows how to do it best.

wups...

i tried to change one small thing... and the next thing i knew, i changed the whole look of the blog. it was completely unintentional and i tried to get the old blog back... but apparently, i do not know what i'm doing! anyway... changes are not bad. enjoy! =)

airports

Have I ever mentioned before that Jesus always seems to speak to me in airports? Oh my word, He does! I don't know if it's because my sense of adventure comes alive or what... but as soon as I enter an airport, something happens to me. It's sort of great, actually.

It happens when I'm not even leaving to fly anywhere! I got up today before the crack of dawn to pick up my former boss at the airport in Newark after her trip to Brazil. I was half asleep and had to stop at TWO different rest stops before I could find a Starbucks that was open!... but there was something really fun about being on the road before the sun even came up. I sort of felt like it was just God and me... and the rest of the world didn't exist. And then I got to go to an airport! Like I said, I don't even have to be leaving to fly anywhere... I just like being there.

Yesterday, I had some questions that I took rather LOUDLY and FEROCIOUSLY to the Lord. I'm coming to be so thankful for the fact that He doesn't mind my loud and ferocious prayers... in fact, I think He sort of welcomes them. Wow, what a cool thought. Anyway, I gave Him my ferocious thoughts yesterday and He accepted them... He did.

It was sometime this morning between having breakfast at a cool little place with my boss and driving home through the snowy little towns around where she lives... that I heard the still small Voice. I love when He speaks. The crazy thing is that I can be completely ferocious with Him, and He still responds gently to me. And then there's the times when I insist on quiet in a "leave me alone" kind of way, and He speaks to me ferociously because He knows I need to hear it. It's ironic. Anyway, this morning, I heard the still Voice, and I needed it. I so needed it. He said in His own way, "I've got you right where I want you, Beth."

Do you ever feel in yourself a perpetual rising anxiety that tells you that somehow you missed something and you're NOT where you're supposed to be? I think I'd like to label that as an Enemy attack on North American Christians. "You're not where You're supposed to be. You missed something. Figure it out. Do more. You're not doing enough, " he says. And on and on our endless gerbil wheels go.

But then Jesus speaks, "You're fine, child. You're right where I want you." And then there's peace. And oh, that peace flies in the face of the gerbil wheel... sends it far away. What a wonderful thing. Today, I cling to His voice and to His peace.

And now... I'm thinking it would be a very good thing for me to spend more time in airports. =)

"to survive is average. to live is Christ"

a dear friend of mine passed that on to me today. my heart says amen. only through You, Jesus...

perspective...

"Setbacks and failures and upset plans

test my faith and leave me with empty hands.

Are You not the closest when it's hardest to stand?

I know that You will finish what You began.

And these broken parts You redeem...

Become the song that I can sing!"

"Measure your life by loss instead of gain

Not by wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth

For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice

And whoever suffereth most hath most to give."

~Hudson Taylor

"Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it."

~Jesus