It has been a long time since I have written a blog post.  Not since I have wanted to write a blog post... but since I have actually sat down and written one... and then published it.

Welcome to my whirlwind.  Gosh, I've been reflecting over the past two years... and I see a curvy road with quite a few signposts along the way.  New church (campus)... new job... new boyfriend, then fiance, then husband... new home across the river... new marriage... new friends.

2014 so far has held many tiny changes that have amounted to big changes in my life.  I have sat down many times to write... but have found it difficult to slow my heart enough to pull thoughts from it.  How do you slow a heart so filled with feelings, emotions, impressions, expressions?  I move slow when it comes to change - I take it in, chew on it, mull for a while... I want to move fast, but I find that change just takes time... and a lot of trust and grace as I learn to absorb.

But I want to write again... sink down deep to the center of my soul and write about what is there.

One line has been playing over and over in my head...

we are not as strong as we think we are.

This is what I am learning as I transition.  I feel so urged to take my new life by the horns, master it, and race forward full steam ahead.  Yet, I often feel like I am standing on my tip-toes, still surveying a new landscape and figuring out my way.  My muscles feel small at times when I thought I would emerge big and strong.

oh... I am not as strong as I think I am.

I re-surface to embrace this blessed truth. I am 'frail, fearfully and wonderfully made,' and I am God's.  And He is big so I think that means that I do not have to be.  I learn the blessedness that He becomes greater and I become less... and this does not threaten me.  I think it is meant to free me.

I've been watching the new Rich Mullins movie this week (over and over!) and I think this was his journey too.  Maybe all of ours?  If we let it?  Here's how he said it...

the conclusion of the matter for me was that I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all-sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistic illusion of moral excellence.  not that I don't want to be morally excellent but my faith isn't in the idea that I am more moral than anyone else... my faith is in the idea that God and His love are greater than whatever sins any of us commit.

Maybe we are all learning this together...